Random Thoughts and Musings

I was moving around the net, looking for three blogs to comment on (a personal goal of mine) when one of my Plurk friends, @cajunvegan, posted her blog link. I followed it over, and she had written this blog post, which cracked me up .. and inspired me to find out what the quiz would say about my name.

So, I moseyed on over to the quiz, and this is what it told me:

What “Devyl’s Real Name” Means

You are usually the best at everything … you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic “Type A” personality.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.
You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.
Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don’t appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don’t get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don’t always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don’t have as much going for them as you do.

Out of curiosity, I also typed in “Devyl,” and this is what it said:

What Devyl Means

You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.
You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.
People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are very hyper. You never slow down, even when it’s killing you.
You’re the type of person who can be a workaholic during the day… and still have the energy to party all night.
Your energy is definitely a magnet for those around you. People are addicted to your vibe.

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.
You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.
You may miss out by not settling down, but you’re too busy having fun to care.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don’t get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

Try yours .. and enjoy!!

Just a quick update for all of you that have been so wonderful to us throughout this roller coaster.
Baby S had her first Chemotherapy treatment on Tuesday of last week. It was a 4-hour session, after a four hours of hydration and anti-nausea medication. She had her first follow-up treatment on Thursday of last week, a one-hour session.

Baby S came home on Thursday night. I was able to spend a little time cuddling her (after sanitizing and putting on a mask, of course) while we waited for the doctors to discharge her. When we brought her home, her siblings and my tween were able to don masks, wash up really well, and go in and talk to her, touch her a little, and snuggle her for a moment (they didn’t get to hold her and cuddle her though).

Since then, she has been thriving. We’re so impressed with how well she’s handling this first week of chemo. She’s been a happy, smiley baby, and C tells me every day how great she looks and how well things are going.

Baby S will have her second follow-up treatment this week, and another next week. The doses are low, they are trying to just shrink the tumor enough to operate. However, each follow-up may bring different physical and emotional reactions to the treatment. So, while I can say (with pride, thankfulness, and happiness) that she is doing well NOW, I have been afraid to say that too much. Basically, I know that several of my friends/acquaintances/contacts kept getting frustrated with the constant back and forth of cancer, not cancer, doing well, in the hospital, almost died yesterday, doing well, cancer, etc.

So … for now, I will say she is handling LAST WEEK’S chemo like a champ. Hopefully she will continue to have a “good” experience with chemotherapy.

Thank you, everyone, for your love, concern, prayers, well-wishes, and positive thinking. We love having your support.

xo

Today, I drove out to Pensacola to bring C and Baby S home. I was able to wear a mask and snuggle the little bundle of joy and happiness … hold her, rock her, admire how she’s grown, tickle her toes …

It is a happy day, and I am a happy Auntie.

Thank you for all of your support, prayers, well-wishing. You have been wonderful.

The battle is not yet won, we’ve simply gained a point.

Baby S had chemotherapy on Tuesday, with the follow-up treatment today. She will rest at home (unless complications arise) until next Thursday, when she will go to the clinic for another follow-up treatment. One more treatment the Thursday after, and then they’ll measure the mass.

• IF it is responding in what they consider an appropriate manner, she will then endure another hospital stay for three days while they give her a second 4-hour session followed by three more follow-up treatments. THEN we will schedule surgery.
• If, at the measurement, they do not feel the mass is shrinking enough, they will schedule surgery immediately. No need to put her through the additional round if it is not going to shrink the mass enough.
• AFTER the surgery, Baby S will undergo four more rounds of chemotherapy treatments (12 weeks). And then, we wait and watch and keep a close eye out.

Please, keep Baby S and her family and loved ones (and those that love her) in your prayers. We all appreciate the extra boost of love and support.

***********************************************************************

ALSO …

Our neighbor was rushed to the emergency room late last night, suffering from a stroke. It was discovered that she had an aneurysm, and it had burst. We were told she’d be gone by noon, and there was nothing to be done.

Her husband (Chris) requested a second opinion. The second opinion neurologist told him that if she made it to midafternoon, IF the bleeding stopped on its own … she MIGHT live. She MIGHT even have some semblance of cognizance and movement. We are praying for Angie, Chris, and their son (John). Please, help us lift her in prayer.

And, as always, if you don’t pray … please, positive vibes and warm thoughts are ALWAYS welcome.

xo

Hi everyone
Again, thank you for following along and offering your emotional/mental support, prayers, warm thoughts, and positive vibes. C & B feel very blessed to have my extended ‘net family pulling for them. And I am grateful for the venue to vent, bitch, and moan so that when I talk to C & B or see them, I can be warm and happy and full of positive energy!

Thank you everyone … I will continue to update as things continue to happen.
xo  

I’m just going to collect the texts that I sent out to my friends, and put them in one place for those of you who want to keep up with what is going on.

Baby S has been recovering well from the biopsy they performed (my whole week is run together, so I can’t remember if the biopsy was Wed or Thurs … I *think* Wednesday). She’s in a lot of pain, and not nursing, so being fed thru IV. The procedure confirmed hepatoblastoma (Liver cancer) stage 2, erasing any remaining hope for a non-cancerous tumor. Baby S confined to PICU. She starts chemo on Monday. Will be in hospital for at LEAST one more week. Will have 1-2 sessions before surgery to shrink tumor. The surgery will be in a few weeks. Then, a few days of recovery and follow-up chemo to make sure it is gone. She will not be allowed contact with anyone but Mom until after this is all said and done. BFF is concerned about the effect on the other kids. I’m worried about all of them. BFF has to shut down her daycare, so that is huge loss in income, coupled with huge amounts of new expenses.

Here’s the official biopsy report:

Mixed epithelia-mesenchymal type with embryonal/fetal components & fibrotic spindaled cells with osteoid.

The liver biopsy shows both types of patterns on permanent section including fetal type & embrional type patterns. there is extramedullary hematopoiesis seen in association with the fetal component of the tumor.

Favor cellular liver parenchyma.

I am not sure about the particulars of everything, but basically she doesn’t have the *worst* kind of liver cancer (the one with only 20% chance of survival) but she also doesn’t have the kind we hoped she had (that has a 100% chance with no chemo).

All of this is insane. I wish circumstances were different, and I could take a few months off of work to help care for Christy, the other kids, and Baby S. I know it is going to be a rough road ahead.

Thank you, all of you, for your continued prayers, well wishes, warm thoughts, and positive vibes. We can use all of that now, and into the next few months. I hope that the treatment is far less challenging than the diagnosis process.

xo

I’m at the hospital with C & S right now. S is resting well, completely unaware that anything is wrong.

C gave me a little more info, so I thought I’d update here, for anyone who may be interested in knowing. Right now, we don’t know what stage the cancer is in. It is definitely a hepatoblastoma, which is a cancer of the liver.

Here’s a brief synopsis of what the “stages” are:

What are the different stages of childhood liver cancer?

Staging is the process of determining whether cancer has spread and, if so, how far. There are various staging symptoms that are used for hepatoblastoma. Always consult your child’s physician for information on staging. One method of staging hepatoblastoma is the following:

• stage I - usually a tumor that can be completely removed with surgery.
• stage II - usually a tumor that can mostly be removed by surgery but very small amounts of the cancer are left in the liver.
• stage III - usually a tumor that cannot be completely removed and the cancer cells are found in the lymph nodes.
• stage IV - cancer that has spread (metastasized) to other parts of the body

recurrent - the disease has returned after it has been treated. It may come back in the liver or in another part of the body.

Stage I, obviously, is what we are praying S has … it would mean that the surgery (Sunday or Monday, if all continues to go well) could put an end to ALL of this. We’d still have to have her monitored, of course …but she may not need chemotherapy (which is rough on adults, so you can imagine what it’ll be like for an infant!).

As of now, the mass is 5 centimeters. That is, roughly, the size of a golf ball.

The levels I mentioned in my last post, by the way, were “AFP,” or Alpha-fetaprotein levels.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. We are very grateful to have such a wonderful, extended circle of family and friends.

xoxo

My best friend (C) had a baby (S) in May. Three days after the baby was born, I noticed that the folds on her back were not baby fat, but some other mass. I brought it to C’s attention, who brought it to the attention of her hubby (B). They decided to take the baby into the doctor the next day, rather than wait for her two-week checkup.

The doctor told them the bumps were not much to worry about, but that they’d run some tests. One thing led to another, and we were told that it is possible the baby had to have surgery. At nearly three weeks old, S was admitted to the hospital to have some tests run. We were told she would most likely be there throughout the week. The same day, we were told that she had cancer. We were, obviously, devastated. A spot was discovered on her liver, but we were told that this spot was secondary to the masses on her back, because it could be any number of things, most of which were no real danger long-term. The next few days, more tests were run and a biopsy was scheduled. We were told it was most likely a neuroblastoma, which, in a baby, could be a VERY good thing. If it was a certain kind of neuroblastoma, her own antibodies would fight it off. If not, she’d have to have chemotherapy and with the number of tumors she had (we could see three on her back by then, and weren’t sure how many others there were), her chance of survival was low.

I had already set in motion prayer circles through our Church, our families, our friends, my boss’s Church, my boss’s family, and my friends and acquaintances on Twitter and Plurk. Some of my very generous friends (who asked to remain anonymous) donated money to help get me back and forth to the hospital (Sacred Heart is an hour or so away from where I live and where I work) so I could spend the nights with C there, while her hubby came home to be with the other kids (they have five). Again, I wanted to thank my friends for their help, because I know how lonely and scary hospitals can be at night, when you’re alone and your brain is working overtime. C is very thankful as well, because having me there meant having someone to lean on, someone to cry to … because she felt she needed to be strong for her husband when they were together.

The surgery was successful, and the doctors said that the scans showed that the tumors were benign. We asked about the mass on her liver, and were again told it was a secondary concern. After a few more tests and a growth culture, we were told that the cancer was gone from her body. We were shocked, amazed, and grateful. Once again, we inquired about the spot on her liver … and were told it was nothing, a minor concern, they would just keep an eye on it over the next several months. Another very generous friend (@zaibatsu) sent a gorgeous set of baskets filled with goodies to congratulate C, B, & S on the great news. We began to feel like all was well and right with the world again.

A few more weeks went by, and her checkups were all good. We still had a nagging feeling about the spot on her liver, but were continuously told she was fine, that if it increased in size, she would be taken in for further testing.

One day, at a normal checkup, her doctor said he wanted another test on the liver. Upon questioning, he explained that the mass seemed to feel larger to him, and he was concerned. C & B felt that not enough time had passed since all of the other radiation-based testing, and began asking if there was another way to determine what was going on. We were referred over to another doctor, an oncologist, who immediately began firing off questions to us, the doctors, and the previous oncologist. Apparently, the spot on her liver WAS something to be concerned about. When he reviewed her charts and tests from before, he pointed out several things that should have been key indicators that the spot needed to be watched more closely. He ordered some blood draws, chastised the previous oncologist for not having them done before (because if the blood work had been ordered before, we’d be a whole month ahead of where we are now).

The last three weeks, S’s blood has been drawn and sent into the labs. A particular level they were looking for started out at 5600, dropped to 1200, then the blood draw this week (taken yesterday) jumped to 8800. The doctored called C, directed her to go to the hospital immediately so they could do another ultrasound.

About an hour ago, I got the call: the baby definitely has cancer, STILL. The spot on her liver is a mass that needs to be removed, immediately. C and S checked into hospital today, more tests to be run, blood to be worked up, stuff to be done. And I’m driving out there immediately after work. I have to come back to town tomorrow to work my shift, and will drive back out to hospital tomorrow afternoon. I simply can’t afford to lose the hours, which I know seems ridiculous, since it is only 4 hours. Asi es la vida.

The baby has, officially, hepatoblastoma. Officially, the news is good: it has a 100% recovery rate if the resection is complete the first time, and followed immediately by adjuvant chemotherapy. We are holding onto that information and keeping it close to our heart. (The alternative is that there is residual disease left on liver inadvertently … even with aggressive chemotherapy, the outlook is not good.)

So, once again I put my request out there to all of you:

Please, if you believe in prayer, pray for my niece. If you do not believe in prayer, please think positive thoughts and keep a warm thought or two in your mind for little S as she goes through this ordeal. Also, please pray for C & B to be strong, to keep positive thoughts, and to focus on the good and not the negative. I will be by their side as much as possible, leaving only to come back to town to work, and will be doing my best to bolster their spirits. But warm and positive thoughts, prayer, and knowing we have people behind us all help.

A photo of S and I cuddling in late July 2008

Just after I published my last blog (Thinking ahead: What is *cute* now may be *embarrassing* later), another of my social networking friends called to attention another baby-naming story.

WHY in the name of all that is good and loving and kind and considerate … would you allow a COMPLETE STRANGER to name your child anything of their choosing??? Yes, I get that you can have a child’s name changed later (assuming, of course, that there were no contingencies placed on the “deal” that would hinder you doing so), but is $100 in gas really worth the hassle of spending your time, money, and resources in getting the child’s name changed later? Better yet, should you choose not to correct this action, is it really worth your child having to endure years of ridicule first, then having to spend his or her time and money to correct YOUR whimsy?

For goodness sake, parents, THINK BEFORE YOU ACT!

Yes, it is an interesting story. It is NOT a story *I* would want to have to tell about *MY* parents. This story reeks of desperation, thoughtlessness, and selfishness. That is not a story I would want my CHILD to grow up knowing.

Congratulations to this father for winning the “I am a desperate idiot” award.

I spend a lot of time on social networks, chatting it up with people I may not ever have the pleasure of meeting in person. I find that these people have such diverse interersts that I am often brought items of interest that would normally escape my attention.

One such item recently posted by one of my friends is this article:

Judge: Girl’s name, Talula Does The Hula, won’t do

Now, in my world, it stands to reason that this is not something you want to name your child. In a world that is well-known for bullying, ridicule, and ostracization, why would you even think about giving a child a name this outlandish?

I understand the need for individualizing, for making a name one’s own. My first name, Angeles, is very unique in the English-speaking world, and not-so-much in Spanish-speaking worlds. I *love* my name because it has a particularly unique quality here in the U.S., where I was born and raised.  I also love it because it ties me to my Mexican roots - it is mi abuela’s (my grandmother’s) name - and always startled people into repeating my name, so they are unlikely to forget it when they are meeting a whole sea of people at once.

I also individualized my child’s name. For the first name, we took a common name that had meaning to members of my family and changed an “i” to an “e,” and in the middle name, we added an “e” to a name that was repeated in my side of the family. The “e” in the first name tied the name back to my exhusband’s family: his mother’s name is Filomena and his sister’s name is Sabrena. Both are names more commonly spelled with “i,” so we felt it was a nice tribute to his family.

If I were to have a daughter in the future,  I would likely name her Christianne Marie, for my best friend (Christy Suzanne, but she always added “Marie” to her name because she thought it was pretty).

My close friend Aimee (Christy’s sister) chose the spelling of her nickname (her “real” names are all unique too, but she prefers to be called Aimee), and although not truly unique, it is different enough that people take notice.

Despite our interest in “unique” names or spellings, none of us would consider naming our children something silly like “Pilot Inspektor” or “Apple” (which sounds more like a nickname)  or “Tu Morrow” (gah! what were THEY thinking?). Yes, many people make these odd names work for them, and walk with grace despite the obscene teasing nature of children, teens, and young adults. Why, though, would you choose to make your child’s legal name something they have to explain five million times throughout their lives?

Be kind to your offspring. Choosing a unique name is fun, but please do it with respect for who they will be as they grow older. Finding a safe balance between “fun” and “sane” may be hard … but put yourself in that child’s shoes. Would YOU want to be beat up just because of your name? Just some things to think about before putting that name down on the solid line:

1. Can you ensure that your child will grow up with the confidence and maturity at the tender age of 4 or 5 (when they start school and are no longer under your constant supervision) to handle the ridicule?
2. Are you positive that your child will love the name?
3. Do you have a solid reason for naming your child something completely off-the-wall?
4. How do your trusted friends and family react when you tell them the name?
5. Are you choosing the name for your own pleasure, or because you truly have your child’s best interest at heart?

Enough with the riduculous choices already. Creating a unique name is one thing. Choosing to name your child something outlandish just so he or she or YOU can be noticed is completely different. Do not be selfish … please, put your child first: starting NOW. Parenting is the most important job you will have … you create a life, then you shape a life, and then you send the living being into the big, bad, world. Please, send your child out with as much ammunition as possible: starting with self confidence, self assurance, and security that he or she is loved.

Have you seen the Bucket List?

Every time I watch it, I crack up. I *heart* Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, and Jack Hayes was great as the personal valet to Edward Cole (Nicholson).

Life teaches us all lessons - some lessons harder than others. The last few years have held a lot of changes for my family, both immediate and extended. In April 2004, my (step) Mother, Cyndee, was diagnosed with terminal cancer, with a life expectancy of less than a year. She had been fighting cancer for several years - first, with homeopathic remedies and alternative medicine, then with surgery (double mastectomy), and finally with extremely aggressive chemotherapy and radiation. Prayer was a constant and consistent form of treatment, the one in which she most fervently believed. She also tried to get accepted into a program at the Moffit Cancer Center in Tampa, Florida.

When the terminal diagnosis was handed to Mom, I happened to be in a position where I could pick up and move “home” to live with my folks [for the first time - I grew up living with my Mom & (step)Dad]. It gave me the opportunity to spend time with a woman who had a great influence on my way of thinking, my ability to form relationships, and my desire to be “good” in very basic ways. This opportunity was also extended to my daughter, who had met her grandparents, but had not spent a great deal of time with them because for most of her young life, I had been in the U.S. Navy and we had rarely been able to visit.

The house was crowded: My 17 year old sister still lived at home, and both of my brothers had moved home too, probably because they also felt the need to spend that time with Mom. Dad wasn’t exactly thrilled with all of us there, but anytime any of us older kids mentioned getting an apartment or house, Mom would say, “Oh, you don’t want that one because…” I came to think that maybe she wanted us around, that it made her happy to have all of us kids nearby and underfoot once again.

Watching Mom go through her treatments was inspiring. She did not complain, she didn’t let the pain and discomfort get her down. She continued working, she made sure she cooked dinner for us every night (unless one of us beat her to it), and she spent a lot of quality time with each of us “kids.”

August was a crap month - not because of the treatments, but because of Hurricane Charley (another story in itself, and I’ll blog about it some other time), and the loss of electricity for three weeks. The suffocating heat, the next three hurricanes, the destruction throughout our town, and simply not having A/C made the treatments a lot more uncomfortable and pretty all-around unbearable. Still, she smiled, laughed, and loved her way through everything.

Our friends and associates held benefits in her honor, all of which she tried to attend for a little while, at least.

During all of this, she kept trying to write things down … for Dad (reminding him of their love, of how wonderful he always was to her), the kids (what changes she noticed in them, how they made her proud), and what she expected at her memorial service (make it a party - celebrate life!).

Christmas time rolled around … and Mom wasn’t able to go to the family party. I knew. I did not want to know. I did not want to be right. Mom died in early January. We were so grateful for being able to celebrate that one last Christmas with her at home.

The next month, my Aunt Peggy - my (step) Mom’s sister - was diagnosed with cancer, and immediately afterwards, was diagnosed as terminal with a life expectancy of less than a year. She passed away in October of 2005. I probably cried more when Aunt Peggy passed than when Mom passed, because the numbness had worn away, my outer shell of strength had been torn apart, and my feelings were raw and agitated.

2005 was a year that tested my core values, reinvigorated my innermost needs, and made me realize that the path I had been aiming for was not the path i wanted my life to follow. Money, advancement, houses, cars … they were all great. I understood my Mom & (step) Dad’s need to push me down the path of success …. but it wasn’t a path I cared about. My only real desires in life are to 1) be a good mother and 2) bring happiness to my loved ones, the people around me, anyone I can help, and therefore, myself.

I may get lost along the way sometimes, but right now my *heart* is in the right place, even if I have to struggle financially. I am happy in the most basic ways possible.

What does all this have to do with the movie?

I want to know if you have a “Bucket List” ? I’ve always had things I wanted to do, places I wanted to go, accomplishments I wanted to achieve … but my bucket list items are the ones that will likely bring happiness not just to myself, but to the people I love.

The first three items on Carter and Edward’s list are, in my eyes, the most essential:

1. Witness something truly majestic
2. Help a complete stranger for a common good
3. Laugh till I cry

The other items are great, but fillers … and important to the characters of Carter and Edward. My list would include things such as:

      4.  Teach my daughter what “pure happiness” means
      5.  Travel through New Zealand
      6.  Start/join/support a non-profit charity
      7.  Spend a month (six weeks, six months, a year …) volunteering in a third-world country
      8.  Grow old with someone special
      9.  Become a “better” person
    10.  Learn to speak a foreign language (Spanish would be good - my family is from Mexico)

What would you place on your bucket list?

I do not know how - being a Southerner, a military brat, and the daughter of a racist pig - I managed to escape the bigotry and racism of my family and background.

I think that the one thing I was blessed to receive in my childhood was the ability to look around and see that while we are not all equal, we can all still climb our way to the top of whatever it is we see as important.

My mother grew up living in a chicken coop - literally. Her parents come here from Mexico with two boys in tow and another on the way. She was born a couple of years down the line. By then, the chicken coop had plywood walls, shuttered holes for windows, and a “door” fashioned of burlap sacks. My grandfather worked his butt off, learned English, saved money, and became a citizen. My grandmother kept the children in line, worked hard to keep their humble home clean, earned money when she could by taking in sewing and washing, learned English, and became a citizen. Eventually, they bought a humble home - a mobile home. They built an addition to make it a house. They purchased the land on which they resided, and neighboring plots of land as well. They became, American.

My other three parents (Dad, Stepmom, Stepdad) did not fare a whole lot better in life, though they were all born to American parents who at least lived in an actual building. They all grew up in a poor community, on the “white” side of the tracks (yes, literally - our town was divided by the railroad tracks!).

There have always been stark difference between my two sets of parents. I grew up with Mom & Dad (Stepdad), who were financially secure, strict, didn’t go to Church, and were *privately* racist. I spent summers with my Dad & Mom (Stepmom), who were somewhat struggling financially, very lenient on their children, did not attend Church regularly (but did attend sometimes), and were somewhat openly racist.

How did I not hear the racist comments my family made, or recognize their racist ways? How did I grow up withoutu a racist bone in my body? My best friend was a black girl. I never understood why she wasn’t allowed at my house, or why I wasn’t allowed at hers. SHE knew, and told me, often. I just didn’t believe her. That *couldn’t* be the reason! My parents all had friends from different races, and my mother is MEXICAN for goodness sake! How could any of my parents be racist?

My first “wow” moment was when my teenage brother (my Dad & (step)Mom’s son) thought he’d gotten his girlfriend - a mulatto girl - pregnant. My stepmother’s first reaction when I asked her about it? “I hope that child doens’t *look* black! It can skip generations, you know!”

What in the WORLD? I could not believe my ears. I could not believe my Mom - the kindest, most generous, most open, most wonderful person I had ever known - had said such a thing. This woman, who had been the ONE person to consider MY feelings in all the chidhood turmoil of split vacations, split holidays, stepparents, divorce, child support … this woman had just said the *stupidest* thing I had ever heard in my life! Incredulous is not *strong enough* of a word to describe how I felt.

My second “wow” moment was a year or so later, when my Mom & (step) Dad came to visit me in the house I had purchased. Dad was going to help me install ceiling fans, paint a room I didn’t like the color of, and fence in the back yard. We were (amazingly) getting along really well that weekend. They had been there a whole day, and no fights - amazing! He and I do not mesh well together, so I was pleased. One of the fans had some unfamiliar pieces and wiring, so we decided to look up directions on the Internet. He went to my computer, flipped it on, and connected. A few minutes later, he came out of my room, rushed through the process of hanging the fan, then told my Mom & Sister to pack their stuf. I was surprised, and asked what was going on, but Dad just said he wanted to get back to the house because he thought it would be storming the rest of the week and he had lawnwork to get finished. This was *not* an unplausible reason for him - he is quite odd and has many quirks. I said ok, helped pack up, said my goodbyes, and sat down to enjoy my newly-cool room. Later that night, I received and email from my sister. She asked me who the “naked” black man on my computer was, because Dad had yelled about it all the way back home. I nearly died laughing. I could not believe he was upset over a picture! One of my friends - a bodybuilder - had some photos taken of him in just a pair of blue jeans, and *that* is the picture that happened to be on my desktop. I was proud of him - he looked great, he was sexy, and he had the most beautiful smile. It was a picture that reminded me I was loved, because despite thinking I would never hear from him again after I transfered out of New Jersey, he had not only kept in touch, but continued to visit me through the years. The fact that he happens to be a “colored” man? I barely even notice, if at all.

I get so sick of the “accidentally” racist people - the ones who do not think about the degredation in their words, the pain they cause without knowing. I get increasingly angry with my Mom & (Step)Dad, who seem to get more racist as time goes on (this could just be me noticing more, though). I am embarassed when my Dad’s second wife (my (Step)Mom passed away in 2005, having previously reconciled her own racism and found her “heart’s home” in a Gospel Church, where she was one of a handful of non-black members) makes off-color jokes, portrays her fear of being on the “other” side of the tracks in town (the town is no longer legally divided, but those who grew up there before the de-segregation still refer to the two sides of town as “white” and “black”), or talks about the “berry pickers (Mexicans)” she “almost hit” on the way home. I am angered by all of these things, as well … but find it hard to continue fighting the losing battle of “teaching” my elders the uselessness of racism.

Instead, I focus on my child. I grew up unaware of racism in a *very* racist world. I will ensure that my child is not only aware of the racism, but also speaks out against this dispicable behavior.

Apparently, i can’t upload pics to this. Ok, fine. I’ll do links.

And, I also can’t have more than 3 batches on Flickr, which I’ve already got. So, I’m doing my best!!

Here ya go. This is why I’ve avoided unpacking so long. I’m so overwhelmed by this visual, that I immediately go in my room and hide:

Box Mountain 1

Box Mountain 2

Box Mountain 3

Box Mountain 4

Box Mountain 5

Box Mountain 6

*wonders if this will work now*

I’m a pretty simple gyrl. I like happiness in my life, and I enjoy people. All kinds of people. I am something different to many people, but my many “personalities” do not mean I am trying to hide myself. Rather, I am a person who enjoys many things and I adapt well to the things that people need from me.

What I want from life is to enjoy my life, live it well, live it in a peaceful manner, and to bring happiness to those around me in the things I do and say.

Something that has been brought up to me recently is that in many of my online hotspots, my relationship status is listed as “taken.” This has, I believe, recently changed, although that has nothing to do with my flirty manner. I am always flirty, moreso when I have people that cavort with me. Whether or not i am in a relationship has nothing to do with the way I respond to people and converse online. It has little to do with the way i conduct myself in a person-to-person situation, either, since I do not go hopping from one person’s bedroom to another.

I hug a lot in person. I link arms with people. I hold hands with my friends when we’re talking or walking. It is something i have always done, and it is a way to connect with the people i care about. It doesn’t stop because I’ve given my heart to a person to hold.

Recently, my S.O. has been … missing. We go through this every other year or so, for a few months. This time, though, I believe I have lost my patience, and I do think that if he decides to start calling/texting/emailing/IMing again, I will not be receptive in the “everything is ok” way. I think this time I will pick up where we left off, but keep it on a friends-only basis. The fact that he lives 2600 miles from me makes a serious relationship difficult enough. But he’s afraid of the commitment I require before picking up and moving, and I refuse to change my demands in that respect. I’m not asking for a marriage proposal. Just an I-love-you without restraint. An open heart, and a promise to try hard to work things out. I deserve that much, and have not yet gotten it. I love him, but I cannot sacrifice my security and safety of being near people that love me to move to a state so far away without knowing that I will be loved in return once I get there.

This is all a very pared-down version of our story. It is long, complicated, and difficult to express. Suffice to say that I love him, want to be with him … am pretty sure he loves me and wants to be with me … but I know his fear of being crushed a second time in his life is hindering his ability to open up to me in the ways that I need.

Thanks for listening. I will try to correct the “taken” statuses to lessen the confusion of the people around me.

Peace.Love.Happiness.

DevylGyrl

I promised my sweet friend (and online-adopted-daughter) Hunee that I would share my recipe of Mole (pronounced moh-lay) with her. However, two or three other people asked too, so I decided to share it via blog! How lucky are you? ~smiles~

All kidding aside, if you like Mexican dishes and a little heat, you’ll like this.

I have been told by my great friend Stalking Happiness that this is not a traditional “Mole” recipe, but is more like another dish (I believe she called it pipián, which is also mentioned in the Mole Sauce Wiki). I’ve found though, this depends on where in Mexico you are from. My family’s Mole recipe lacks the sweet, sugary, chocolate flavor. I don’t do sweet chocolate sauce on chicken or pork. It just isn’t appealing to me. I’ve always added the chocolate to the recipe, just in smaller doses I guess. This sauce is a warm, highly seasoned, hearty sauce. I hope you enjoy!

Note: Our recipe calls for plain “chili powder” and then also a branded chili powder called “Mexene“. The Mexene is basically a chili powder blend with cumin & other spices in it - it is far superior to most brands that we have found. So, try your best to find it, but if you can’t, just use another kind that has similar ingredients (you can see the ingredient list on their website).

I hope you enjoy the recipes.

MEXICAN RICE

What you need:

Hint: I also add about a teaspoon of Mexene to this recipe, and toss it into the blender with the other seasonings.

How to Prepare:

MOLE SAUCE

What You Need:

Hint: The amount of Mexene you use should correspond to the amount of heat you like in your food. I use a whole small bottle or a 3/4 of the larger bottle.

How to Prepare:

I really hope you enjoy the recipe. It takes a while to cook, but it is SO worth the wait!