Love is … Is it Love?
Posted by: Devyl Gyrl**** DISCLAIMER (added 3.16.08) I am a DIVORCED woman … I do know about the trials, tribulations, and impulses that come with love and marriage. I speak from the heart in this post …
How many people, do you think, know the difference between attraction and love?
I often see people who hold strong attractions to one another ‘hook up’ and sometimes ‘get hitched.’ I question, almost every time, whether they truly love one another … or whether they simply feel a connection that they don’t understand, and assume it is love.
With the rising rates of divorce in the US and other countries, isn’t it apparent that not many people know what love truly is? I get sick of hearing the same story. Sue and Johnny meet. They date. They live together. They get married. One week, Sue loves Johnny: he’s the greatest man alive, she would do anything for him, he is the sun that lights her life. The next week, Sue hates Johnny: she never wants to see him again, he’s the lowest scum on earth, he’s a horrible person. Sue never speaks to Johnny again.
Was this love? In my opinion, no.
I will concede that people change. I will also concede that people hide their habits from a new ‘date/lover/significant _other/spouse’ for as long as possible. I will ALSO concede that as each person discovers more about their ‘date/lover/significant _other/spouse,’ they tend to become disenchanted and less infatuated, and they will find more things to not like about a person than to like.
However, if it was “love” to begin with, wouldn’t the love in the relationship smooth out some of the rough edges? And wouldn’t the love cause the people to look past as many of the less enchanting features as possible, and focus on the good, the positive, the things that made them fall “in love” in the first place?
I can not cut the people I love out of my life entirely, unless they have done something to DELIBERATELY hurt me. When I break up with a guy (or he breaks up with me [winces while thinking of A from CA, the only man to truly break my heart]), I may have to distance myself from him for a short period (a year, at most) to gather my thoughts and refocus on my future. However, once I have set my life on track again, I welcome him back into my life as a friend, a contact, a person to touch base with now and then because I love him and I want to know he is doing well (or not, in which case I do what I can to help without getting sucked back into an unhealthy relationship). This take on ex-relationships means, of course, that my new relationships always have to adjust to the fact that I don’t talk bad about my exes, I don’t stop them from calling me when they need/want to talk (which is really not a problem … they treat me like they do most friends, and call a few times a month/year depending on where they/I live and how likely it is we would run into each other around town). I also meet up with them whenever possible, meet their new girlfriends, wives, kids, etc. I send housewarming gifts, birthday cards, holiday cards & emails, etc.
My exes are some of my closest friends. This makes sense to me, because I let them into my life in a way that most people - even my best friend - have never been let into my life. We’ve shared a bed, we’ve made love, we’ve seen each other at our best and our worst. Of course we have an intense connection, a personal vibe that nobody else understands. Does this mean i would repeat the relationship? Absolutely not (I say, with at least 99% conviction).
Why, you may ask? Since I have such strong convictions about once you love someone, you ALWAYS love them, I am often questioned about why I would not give a person I love so much a second chance.
My answer is this: I am not refusing the person a second chance, I am refusing the relationship a second chance. I would NOT leave a relationship without having given EVERYTHING I have to that person, in an attempt to keep the relationship alive, vital, and strong. I would also not leave a relationship without having given a person who wronged me in “forgivable” ways a second, third, and possibly fourth chance to correct their actions. (Unforgivable offenses are physical abuse of my daughter or myself, sexual abuse of my daughter, attempted murder of anyone … things along those lines are not forgivable in a relationship.)
So, if we come to the point where I end a relationship (something I find EXTREMELY hard to do), or it is ended for me (which has only happened once, thank goodness … I prefer to NOT have my heart destroyed unexpectedly), there is a reason - beyond our understanding and control - that the relationship is ended. Therefore, to repeat said relationship would only be asking for trouble in the long run. I like to learn from the trials and tribulations of my life, not continuously cycle through them and repeat them.
I know how easy it is to get caught up in the newness of a relationship: that intense attraction, the fuzzy feeling of warmth when you hear *that person’s* name, the memories that are built on minor details (the song, the movie, the restaurant), the tingling feeling from your scalp to your toes when you kiss or even just hold hands. Those things are lovely, wonderful, and necessary to the building of the relationship … but they are NOT love.
Love is enduring, it is a promise of forever - even if the context of the love must change, the love should always be there. Period. Love is wanting to be with a person in the downs just as much as when you’re cresting the top of the roller coaster. Love is going out at 3 a.m. when you have to be at work at 6 a.m. because the person you love needs cold medicine, and is so miserable he/she doesn’t want to wait. Love is welcoming the changes that a relationship goes through, because they are inevitable, and must be dealt with before the steady-happiness can be achieved.
Just as “Life is,” … “Love is.”
(Seriously, period.)
March 16th, 2008 at 5:46 am
Well isn’t this an interesting post. Checkout http://tinyurl.com/2lcswc to see my view on a couple of things that may resonate with you.
Check you on twitter
March 16th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Nice post. You bring up some very valid points. I think that there are many people who don’t know what love is but the primary problem is that people aren’t willing to put in the work that it takes to be in a relationship.
You said yourself that you are willing to give a person everything in order to keep the relationship alive. I think the current divorce rates are something of a self-fulfilling prophecy. People aren’t willing to do the work and they feel that it’s all right because “my parents are divorced and my friends are divorced, so it’s ok if I bail out too.”
For some people, love is true and is always there but they just refuse to deal with all the things that come with it.
March 17th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Thanks, Ian
I read your post & replied!!
Thanks for the comment, Vaughn. I was quite surprised to see an unfamiliar name *L* And, I see your point, and agree. Too many people are not willing to put forth the work. I added my note at the top when I realized people may think I’m just being critical of people who are divorced.
I assure anyone with those thoughts (they were mentioned on other forums, not here) that this is NOT the case. I, myself, am divorced. It broke my heart when I realized that was where my marriage was headed. I really thought I was a failure for not being able to work it out.
Thanks again, you two, for the comments.
March 22nd, 2008 at 11:11 am
Wow… this post reminds me of a long conversation you and I had… maybe 2 months or so ago? We analyzed a lot of things, situations, etc. I’m eager to talk to you to find out if it’s related in any way.
And you’re preaching to the choir here, sister. You know how I feel about love and attraction/lust/obsession. The latter, which I think are healthy (and in some cases, quite deliciously fun) so long as you are in LOVE first.
But as Vaughn said, no one wants to work at it. Folks are lazy when it comes to love. They see these romantic flicks and dream of being in a whirlwind relationship. But they forget to see that the people in love are constantly thinking of one another, always putting the other person first, doing little romantic things, etc. Most people do it at first, to “reel in the catch”, then the effort (and insterest) falls away.
There was a song that came out years ago, I believe in the early to mid 90’s. The chorus line was, “I can do bad all by myself”. This is probably why I have still not found anyone to get serious with. I won’t compromise (like I used to do) and won’t settle for someone unless I know, without a doubt in my mind, that I am absolutely and truly in LOVE with this person & LOVE them wholly for who they are and how they LOVE me.
I leave you with a quote from the Best Book EVER (*^_^*)
I Corinthians 13:4-7 & 13
4)Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5)It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6)Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7)It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
13)And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
March 22nd, 2008 at 11:17 am
Building on the words from the Good Book, it adds to the bit about you saying that you always love someone; but this doesn’t mean you will get back into a relationship with them.
Because of the horrid relationships I let myself get into years ago, I don’t have contact with any of those exes. I do, however, have a good friendship with my most recent ex. We still talk, we still help each other out, etc. And I did just as you said - I allowed myself some time and space to move forward from the relationship, then our friendship began and continues to blossom. I loved him enough to let him into my life and know me better than merely a glance across the room can proivde, so why wouldn’t I still care for him? It wasn’t a bad breakup; I just felt that we had different expectations from the relationship and different views that collided.
I love you IMMENSELY, sweetheart. And wow, I need to write in my journal, LOL. Doing major spring cleaning this weekend before we leave for Spring Break on Monday, so I am *tearing* myself away from the computer. =)p