Status: Unknown :(
Posted by: Devyl GyrlI’m a pretty simple gyrl. I like happiness in my life, and I enjoy people. All kinds of people. I am something different to many people, but my many “personalities” do not mean I am trying to hide myself. Rather, I am a person who enjoys many things and I adapt well to the things that people need from me.
What I want from life is to enjoy my life, live it well, live it in a peaceful manner, and to bring happiness to those around me in the things I do and say.
Something that has been brought up to me recently is that in many of my online hotspots, my relationship status is listed as “taken.” This has, I believe, recently changed, although that has nothing to do with my flirty manner. I am always flirty, moreso when I have people that cavort with me. Whether or not i am in a relationship has nothing to do with the way I respond to people and converse online. It has little to do with the way i conduct myself in a person-to-person situation, either, since I do not go hopping from one person’s bedroom to another.
I hug a lot in person. I link arms with people. I hold hands with my friends when we’re talking or walking. It is something i have always done, and it is a way to connect with the people i care about. It doesn’t stop because I’ve given my heart to a person to hold.
Recently, my S.O. has been … missing. We go through this every other year or so, for a few months. This time, though, I believe I have lost my patience, and I do think that if he decides to start calling/texting/emailing/IMing again, I will not be receptive in the “everything is ok” way. I think this time I will pick up where we left off, but keep it on a friends-only basis. The fact that he lives 2600 miles from me makes a serious relationship difficult enough. But he’s afraid of the commitment I require before picking up and moving, and I refuse to change my demands in that respect. I’m not asking for a marriage proposal. Just an I-love-you without restraint. An open heart, and a promise to try hard to work things out. I deserve that much, and have not yet gotten it. I love him, but I cannot sacrifice my security and safety of being near people that love me to move to a state so far away without knowing that I will be loved in return once I get there.
This is all a very pared-down version of our story. It is long, complicated, and difficult to express. Suffice to say that I love him, want to be with him … am pretty sure he loves me and wants to be with me … but I know his fear of being crushed a second time in his life is hindering his ability to open up to me in the ways that I need.
Thanks for listening. I will try to correct the “taken” statuses to lessen the confusion of the people around me.
Peace.Love.Happiness.
DevylGyrl
May 24th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Oh man… do I understand the feelings of this. My daughters father and I have been doing a long distance relationship since before we got pregnant, about 3 years ago. He is one of those emotionally shutoff guys too. Couldn’t ever look me in the EYE to say I love you, I usually got it from behind my head when he was hugging me. That, and the lack of decision about what he wanted, how he wanted it, when he wanted it, etc. made our relationship harder and harder on me.
I love him, we have a child together, I WANT us to be together as a family. Can’t(won’t) move to Vegas, where he lives and he won’t move here (or somewhere else together?). Sigh. It got harder and harder for the baby too, she knows who he is now, she misses him when he’s not here, she ASKS for him. How was that going to get any easier?
Couple all of that with the fact that he was only here once a month for his weekend, and I was damn resentful about being Mommy 99.9% of the time without financial help, emotional help or physical help.
Again, I love him but the way things were just didn’t work for me anymore, so I broke up w/ him in early April. I don’t know what is going to happen, I know I’ve really hurt him (or at least I THOUGHT I did, but he doesn’t communicate now & makes no effort to discuss whether or not he’ll see our kid). So, I keep on trucking on.
Anyway, didn’t mean to dump all this here. I’m not even sure it makes any sense (more details are on my blog).
I just loved what you were saying about HOW you love with an open heart. I’m the same kinda girl. Hugging friends (or strangers) is my modus operandi, and I wanted to give all that love to this man without hesitation. He just can’t seem to let me in…
So, I’m wishing you the best luv. I hope your guy comes around, and if he doesn’t please know (trust) that G-d, the Universe, Spirit (whatever you believe in) WILL absolutely send us both the Right Guy when we’re ready. It may be the guys we already love, it may be someone different entirely, but they’ll show up — just as soon as I open myself up to the possibility that I do in fact DESERVE it.
HUGS,
Cheryl
@Jasperblu
Cheryl’s last blog post..Time for potty training?
January 5th, 2009 at 12:23 am
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