Random Thoughts and Musings

Stolen from (as usual) @perpstu

Halloween Horoscope for Leo

You simply have to have the most unique, elaborate, and amazing costume. You tend to hop from party to event, making sure everyone checks you out. Costume suggestions: A geisha, samurai, fairy, or pirate Signature Halloween candy: Skittles Scary movie you should celebrate Halloween with: The Shining

Thirteen things I treasure in my life, in no particular order:

1. My tween, even when sullen and angry because I am making her wear a turtleneck and leggings under her sugarplum fairy costume.
2. My family, even when they are too far away to hug and hold; even when I am angry with them or they with me; even when they make me feel bad for not being who and what they want me to be; even when they are not doing their best to be who they can be. I love them and treasure each and every one of them.
3. My friends, who love me and support me emotionally; encourage me in all of my endeavors; accept me for who I am now, and do not expect me to be anything other than who I choose to be.
4. My freedom to go, do, be, and say anything and anywhere I choose.
5. The brilliant minds of the authors (books, blogs, magazines, and newspapers) who entertain and inform me whenever I am absorbed in my favorite past time (reading).
6. My cat, Rascal Lee Kitten, even when he’s a stubborn coot and refuses to do/go what/when I want him to, and especially when he’s sweet and loving and curls up on my feet.
7. My tools that provide connections to the “world” … cell phone, laptop, internet. Sometimes, I don’t know what I would do without being able to reach out to someone at any time during the day or night, when I don’t want to wake up one of my RL peeps to talk.
8. Social websites (and @n8k99 for dragging me to Twitter!), for providing me a simple but effective manner in which I can speak up and immediately receive what I need, whether it be human contact, an answer, encouragement, information, or direction.
9. My daily choice to live my life my way, even when it is a constant uphill battle, even when others do not see my way, and especially when I connect with someone else over a random good will act.
10. My ability to look past the facade and see the truth within, my ability to love wholeheartedly and completely, without end, and my ability to accept people for who they are without judgment.
11. My tween’s father, who no longer gives me reason, but who I will love always for helping me to create one of the most incredible children, ever.
12. The world around me, so incredible it must have been created by an incredible artist with a true passion for beauty.
13. My wonderful, incredibly supportive, amazingly strong, absolutely beautiful best friend, who has protected me, encouraged me, saved me, grieved with me, celebrated with me, and who has always been the one consistent source of strength and love in my life for the last 19 years.

xoxo

What an amazing thing, this world wide web … it closes the gap between here and there, between you and I, between all the miles across the whole, wide, world.

It is times like now, when I know a friend received potentially bad news - and certainly difficult news, at the very least, that I dislike the miles that the web stretches across … because I cannot offer anything tangible, anything concrete.

So, my friend … please know my heart is with you. The special person in your heart and on your mind is in my prayers. And if you need to talk, vent, or share … I am here for you. I know you have a wonderful best friend there, by your side, who will offer you all of this and more … but I wanted you to know, nonetheless.

I won’t call this friend out, nor will I be more specific, because I am not sure if he would be comfortable with me doing so. But if you can spare a few warm thoughts and/or prayers, please keep my friend in mind.

xoxo

When I am looking for a job, I always have the thought of “I can get a job doing (insert some odd job here) until I find a job, then just quit” in the back of my mind. However, I have yet to be able to bring myself to do this. Why? Because I know that it takes company time and money to hire, and then train, a new employee. I understand that certain businesses (fast food, department stores, gas stations) tend to expect a high turnover rate, but I could not even bring myself to use one of those jobs as a “placeholder” job.

Even now, as I sit here considering a move, wondering if I could make it work in a bigger city, contemplating what kind of a city I would be willing to move to, and what kind of work I could do there … in the back of my mind is this thought: “What am I going to tell my boss?”

That does not mean, “what kind of excuse shall I use.” It means, “How am I going to bring myself to see the disappointment on his face?” When my boss hired me, he hired me with the understanding that he wants a long-term employee. He wanted employee loyalty. He would like to see me running the business side of things when he and his wife retire. He would like to see me retire from this business myself in another 40 years.

In all honesty, I expect the same of my employers … I want to be treated as a valuable employee, someone they do not want to replace anytime soon.

So, do I discuss this with my boss now, when I am only contemplating a move? Or do I wait until I am sure I want to move?

Thoughts?

xoxo

My dear friend, Soren, issued a challenge:

Now… I would like to extend that challenge to you, my readers. Please share a story about yourself; a story that, in one way or another, represents your value system, a story that you would be happy, if not proud, to have repeated.

I accept, and am submitting my reply:

Once upon a time, a friend was going through a custody battle. I was asked, by my friend and his lawyer, to get up on the stand and make suggestive remarks that they could then stretch into the truth they were attempting to portray. They set it up in such a way that I would in no way be held liable for telling a lie … I would be telling the exact truth. It would be on their shoulders if the truth were “realized” in a different light by the judge. My friend begged me, repeatedly, to please do this, to not let him down, to do what is right for his daughter, to save her from abuse.

I love my friend. I knew how desperate he was to retain custody of their daughter. However, I was not aware of any actual physical abuse (it had been hidden from me rather well, or it was imagined now that it was needed … but I fully believe that my friend believed it had happened). Certainly not any sexual abuse of the child. Sexual abuse of my friend, yes … but there were circumstances that led me to believe that it was part of the ‘role play’ game, and not really abuse.

I did not have any evidence. I did not have any reason to believe that my reading of the situation was wrong in any way. Therefore, I could not allow my statements to be used in this manner. When I stood up on the stand, I told the truth clearly and concisely, and then I reiterated and clarified so that the lawyer could in no way stretch my truth into something it was not.

My friend was angry with me for a little while, especially when custody was awarded to his partner. However, we moved past it as we have every other trial and tribulation placed in our path.

I cringe whenever there is a dispute about visitation or child support or phone calls or stolen Christmas gifts … but not once have I regretted my decision to not stretch the truth.

Now I would like to ask all of you, my friends and readers, to play the same game, and to also participate in this challenge. Dig deep inside of yourselves and tell us a story that about your personal integrity.

Stolen from (who else?) @perpstu

Your Monster Profile

Behemoth Chemist You Feast On: Bananas You Lurk Around In: Wal-mart You Especially Like to Torment: Your Exes

Once again, snagged from @perpstu!

What Your Jack-o-Lantern Says

You tend to be a bit of a grouchy person. The scrooge of Halloween. And while you may complain about it, you would miss Halloween if it didn’t come around. This Halloween you should embrace your inner grump - be a warlock or a witch. The candy you should give out: sour patch kids

Again, courtesy of @perpstu:

You Should Be a Ghost

You are seen as shy and introverted. You like to blend in… or disappear. You see Halloween as the day you can sit back and enjoy what other people are doing. You don’t scare all that easily on Halloween. If anything, you tend to scare people. You don’t try to be scary, but you do tend to lurk around and catch people by surprise.

I just snagged this MeMe from @perpstu, who stole it from a friend of hers

1. Are your parents married or divorced?
Divorced

2. Are you a vegetarian?
Hells to the no!

3. Do you believe in Heaven?
Absolutely.

4. Have you ever come close to dying?
Unfortunately

5. What jewelry do you wear 24/7?
A “Mothers Daughters Sisters Friends” Breast Cancer Awareness Bracelent from thebreastcancersite.com that I purchased in 2005 when my (step)Mom died. And, I am disappointed to find out they no longer sell this *particular* bracelet, but it is the one pictured here.

6. Favorite time of day?
Anytime I get a hug and a kiss from tween.

7. Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
Yes, I love broccoli!

8. Do you wear makeup?
Not usually.

9. Ever have plastic surgery?
Not yet, but when I lose my excess weight, I hope to be able to get a few things smoothed over.

10. Do you color your hair?
I do … but not regularly. As you can tell by my photos, my roots are probably about 5 inches long. Maybe more. I might need a re-dye *L*

11. What do you wear to bed?
Nothing when I can get away with it, panties and a tank top if I need to be semi-decent, tank top and jamma pants if I need to be decent.

12. Have you ever done anything illegal?
Who, me? *innocent eye flutter*

13. Can you roll your tongue?

Roll my “R’s” like in spanish class? Usually. Make a “U” shape with my tongue? Yes. Make an upside down “U” shape? No. Twist from side to side? Yes.

14. Do you tweeze your eyebrows?
Yes.

15. What kind of sneakers?
Uhm, whatever fits and feels good. Usually from Payless or Wallyworld. I don’t wear them on a daily basis except when forced (like, at work: they finally yelled at me for wearing flipflops in here, so I wear sneaks instead )

16. Do you believe in abortions?
If it is for someone else who has weighed the options and feels it is her best choice, absolutely. Not for myself, though.

17. What is your hair color?
Strawberry blonde is what it is called … it is a light orangy-red.

18. Future child’s name?
I do not plan on any more children, but if I do, and it is a girl, her name will be Christianne Marie after my best friend (Christy Suzanne is her name, but she always added “Marie” in because it sounds pretty.)

19. Do you snore?
Yes, especially when overtired or sick.

20. If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?
For pleasure: New Zealand. If I could make it an extended visit, and perform some work, Africa.

21. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
One of my pillows is this guy: .

He is 32″ of stuffed goodness, and was a present from my bf (now my exbf) when we first started talking again, 8 years ago. I sleep with 6 other pillows, one of which is a body pillow. *L*

22. If you won the lottery, what would you do first?
Set aside 1/2 for my BFF, have my stepfather set up an aggressive college fund for Tween while I set up a larger, non-aggressive fund (he likes playing the markets, I don’t), buy a car and a house, set up a business with BFF (each of us funding 1/2), travel to Africa, Asia, or India for some humanitarian work, come back to US and do some more humanitarian work, then settle in to run our (mine & BFF) business until I could plan another humanitarian mission.

23. Gold or silver?
Silver or white-gold.

24. Hamburger or hot dog?
Hamburger, especially cute lil minis or Daddy’s mexe-burger (jalepenos & provolone cheese!

25. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Spaghetti.

26. City, beach or country?
I prefer the beach, by far!

27. What was the last thing you touched?
My cell-phone. My BFF’s brother, Ma, is at the hospital with his soon-to-be-wife, who is in labor with their son, Gabriel. WOOOOT! Another baby to spoil (tho he lives too far away to visit *pouts*).

28. Where did you eat last?
Here at the office. Chicken-taco salad. Yummy!

29. When’s the last time you cried?
Last week … no, wait: This weekend. I was watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition from a couple weeks back :D.

30. Do you read blogs?
Way too many, because I love them!

31. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
Sure, sounds like fun. Let’s go!

32. Ever been involved with the police?
*shifty eyes* Uhm … I cannot think of any way in which I can specifically say no … so … uhm … *mumbles something garbled*

33. What’s your favorite shampoo conditioner and soap?
Currently using Dove. I do not have a favorite because NOTHING I have tried works on my dry-ish curly-ish hair for more than one month *cries*

34. Do you talk in your sleep?
Has apparently done so once or twice.

35. Ocean or pool?
Prefer the ocean … but also like salt-water pools

36. Who would you take on a ménage à trois for a dirty weekend?
*pretends naivette* What’s that? *flutters lashes*

37. Window seat or aisle?
Aisle, I need to stretch my legs and I hate being trapped. (me too @perpstu!!)

38. Ever met anyone famous?
Has.

39. Do you feel that you’ve had a truly successful life?
I could die happy today, but I hope to continue to do things in my life that make it successful on many levels, so yes, but no. *L*

40. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
I break my noodles in three pieces before I cook them. No need to do either, really. Whenever I am not the chef, depends on my mood. I’m a klutz, so twirling doesn’t always work.

41. Ricki Lake or Oprah Winfrey?
Ellen, Rachael Ray, and Oprah (tho I’ve let Oprah go for the sake of fitting in other shows).

42. Basketball or Football?
*blinks* Huh? I prefer to watch basketball, but I know nothing about either.

43. How long do your showers last?
10 minutes, usually. Can shower in much, much less. My hair requires extra conditioning though, so ten is usually my max.

44. Automatic or do you drive a stick?
I prefer standard, but drive automatic now.

45. Cake or ice cream?
Cake.

46. Are you self-conscious?
I can be.

47. Have you ever drank so much you threw up?
Yes.

48. Have you ever given money to a beggar?
Yes.

49. Have you been in love?
Yes.

50. Where do you wish you were?
I love right where I am. But, if I could have it be anywhere, with anyone, it would be in a super-big house with a pool and hottub, a barbeque and a bonfire going, with all of my family and ALL of my friends, just hanging out and talking.
***wants to know why I was not included in the “if we were in Florida” list by @perpstu (~pouting~) ***

51. Are you wearing socks?
Yes, unfortunately. I take them off as soon as I get home though!

52. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
Yes, but only once.

53. Can you tango?
Yes. Wait, that’s not what you mean. No, not at all.

54. Last gift you received?
Candles and a smell-good satchel from Mom for “the fall season.”

55. Last sport you played?
Uhm

56. Things you spend a lot of money on?
Gifts and do-dads for people I love.

57. Where do you live?
Near the beach.

58. Where were you born?
Punta Gorda, FL

59. Last wedding attended?
My sister. *sniffles*

60. Most hated food(s)?
Anchovies. Kemshe (sp), things I didn’t grow up eating. Foreign foods.

61. Can you sing?
Not a single note.

62. Last place you went on holiday?
San Diego. Crap. How does THAT happen? I don’t even LIKE San Diego!!

63. Favorite regular drink?
Sweet tea!!!

64. Current fave song?

A tie between:

All I Want to Do - Sugarland and All Summer Long - Kid Rock (below).

I was not around at all this weekend. Thank you to everyone who texted/DM’d me to make sure all was well. I just chose not to hook the computer up for once while I was at C’s house. It was a lovely weekend, the kids spent most of it outside playing both Saturday and Sunday. C and I stayed inside with Baby S, protecting her from the slight chill that was outside and any influences that might cause normal changes in body temperature that could read as abnormal since she is so delicate right now.

Baby S is *finally* started on rice cereal. She has been nursing with a lot more frequency lately, and for longer periods of time. She gets fussy a lot more too, so we came to realize that Momma’s milk is just not providing all the fulfillment that she needs anymore. Baby S was not, however, at all sure about eating rice cereal. It does not smell like the good things she saw Auntie Angel and Mommy eating and drinking, and it does not taste the same as her Momma’s milk … so while she allowed us to feed her a little of it, she did not seem at all excited about it. However, after a few days of rice cereal, she should be able to start on baby foods … which WILL taste and smell more like the food she sees everyone else eating!

We had a great weekend. I hope all of you did, as well!

xoxo

My friend CajunVegan issued a challenge over at her blog:

do three random acts of kindness for three people who will never be able to repay you.

A couple of us took her up on the challenge. I already had a couple of things planned, so I was probably somewhat cheating … but fate decided to intervene and make me be a little more creative.

Those of you who follow the Baby S updates know that she went back to the hospital on Tuesday, and that I drove out to meet C there and spend the night with her. I intended to come back to town to work on Wednesday, so I would have done two of my three good deeds then. However, I decided C & S needed me more, and so I found two different things to do … and still had to think of a third.

1. While we were in the hospital, we spent a lot of time talking to doctors and nurses. Not just about Baby S, but also about what’s going on in their lives. One nurse I shared an elevator with had a hard time finding a particular Monopoly game for her child. I happen to have it … so today I made arrangements to have that game shipped to the hospital in the nurse’s name. That felt really good: now that I don’t have my own home, my monopoly boards are not being displayed or used anymore. I spent an exorbitant amount of money on this particular game, so I hate that it is just sitting in my parents’ attic.
2. I saw a homeless man sitting in front of the restaurant the other day when I went to pick up food for C & I (she was craving the salad and breadsticks *L*). I purchased a meal with the manager on my own dime and had it sent out to the gentleman. They even set up a table for him under the trellis in the front. Was a beautiful setup: candles, linens, and a to-go cup with any non-alcoholic beverage, as well as his choice of desert. Manager gave me a deal: One price bought the whole setup, start-to-finish, gentleman could have salad and breadsticks til the shop closed, as well as a to-go box with salad and breadsticks. WOOT! . I hope he enjoyed the meal. I wish I could have stayed and watched him eat.
3. My third was a little more fun. I went shopping for a local shelter here. They house women who are giving their babies up for adoption. They not only keep the women here, but they also let them keep their existing children with them. I purchased diapers, wipes, receiving blankets, formula, and a breast pump. I used money that had been given to me by a dear friend ( you know who you are, sir - I told you I knew what I wanted to do with the money when I paid it forward) when I was in particular need, and compounded it with an equal amount of my own money. I have saved up a little bit of money out of every paycheck since then, whether or not I could technically “afford” to do so. It was a wonderful gift to be able to give, and I loved seeing the smiles and talking to these ladies. I spent about three hours with them today.

I hope that everyone finds ways to make the world a little better for someone else. These three things this week were fun and beautiful, and I cannot wait til inspiration strikes for me again. I may not be able to spend so much money, but I am sure I can find a way to contribute somewhere.

As those of you who follow me on social sites (Plurk and Twitter and Brightkite) know that on Monday, Baby S was released from Shands hospital in Gainesville. She was still on antibiotics, but C & B were told all was going well.

So, Monday night they get home and Baby S is giggly and happy … and then surly and fussy. C & B got no sleep - Baby S needed to be held all night. Wanted to be suckling all night. Was inconsolable. Tuesday, they took her to the pediatrician’s office (already planned, she had a bump on her forehead that has been a concern for a few weeks now). While there, Baby S’s fever spikes to nearly 101. Pediatrician calls the doctor from Shands, who says if the fever gets to 101, they must get her into the hospital. Baby’s fever goes down, pediatrician releases them with orders to check the temp at least once an hour, more if they can.

Baby S’s fever spikes again … oncologist tells them get to hospital NOW. C heads that way from home, I head down to my home, see my tween, then drive out to hospital to meet C. We spend the night doing our best to console her and entertain her without agitating her. I manage to get Baby S to snuggle with me about 1:30 am and sleep, so C passes out hard. I keep Baby S with me, snuggled up, until 5:30 when the nurse comes in for rounds. Then I get a couple of hours sleep … until I realize I need to either call out or leave for work.

I decide to touch base with my coworker, who said no problem, he can handle the office. I called my boss and let him know we’re at the hospital and I’d like to say. He also says no problem (I work for such awesome people!).

So, Baby S endures an ultrasound (a bit painful, considering she just had surgery) and head xrays, as well as several blood draws and at least 8 doctors coming in to poke and prod and see what they can see. Nothing. Nothing appears to be wrong, but her counts are WAY off kilter, so they know there is a problem.

We decide to change her bandage on her port, because Baby S has managed to pull some of the paper tape away (she’s allergic to the tape they’re supposed to use, so we just have to keep her super dry). Once the bandage is off, we realize she has a red ring around her port. Then, C tells us about how the nurse at Shands had bandaged it last, and how she had turned the leads upwards to keep them away from the incision, and that the leads had caught on something and pulled the port partway out. Looking at the port site, we can see instantly that THIS is where the infection resides, or at least where it started.

The site gets cleaned super well, and re-bandaged. Several doctors come in and check it out, agree this is the problem, and start her on MORE antibiotics. One of the antibiotics is 1-hour IV drip, 4 times a day. The two others are half-hour, three times a day EACH. It was a hard day, and I am glad I took off work to stay put. (Yes, Mr. financial manager, I *know* I cannot afford it … but this is how *I* do things. I may never be rich, but I will always have the people I love close to me, period!)

All in all, it wasn’t a long hospital stay. Baby S was released earlier this evening, and now we are all at C & B’s house, resting and hoping for an uneventful and peaceful evening!

Billy made my favorite dish (chicken curry), and we sat down and watched a little tv. It has been pleasant. I miss Tween, but I will be going home to pick up Tween tomorrow after work. Then, we’re both coming here for the night. We’ll go back home for my nephew’s football game, then back here after spending some time with my friend A & her boys.

This whole post is devoid of emotion and sort of glossed over. I am sorry for that … I am just emotionally spent. The ups and downs of the last two days were insane. I left work expecting to come to C & B’s house
and relax, and ended up rushing to town to see my child, then rushing to the hospital an hour away to be with C & Baby S. I would do it all over again … but I hope we do not have to anytime soon!

Much love to all of you who have been so wonderful along the way. The prayers, thoughts, and wishes are wonderful - please please please keep them coming!

xoxo

Stolen from Jym

“You have to use 3 words to answer each question. No more, no less. It’s harder than you think.”

1. Where is your cell phone? · On my knee.
2. Your girlfriend/boyfriend/hubby? · Do not have.
3. Your hair? · Long and curly.
4. Where is your father? · Back at home.
5. Your favorite thing to do? · Read something daily.
6. Your dream last night? · Did not have.
7. Your favorite drink? · Sweet tea.
8. Your dream car? · Better for environment.
9. The room you’re in? · Big open space.
10. Your fears? · Loss, spiders, heights.
11. Who did you hang out with last night? · My sweet child.
12. What aren’t you good at? · Always being good.
13. Muffins? · They are yummeh.
14. One of your wish list items? · My own place.
15. The last thing you did? · Answered the phone.
16. What are you wearing? · Cancer awareness bracelet.
17. Your pet? · Rascal Lee Kitten.
18. Your computer? · Linux-based laptop.
19. Your life? · I love it.
20. Your mood? · Somewhat complacent today.
21. Missing? · My best friend.
22. What are you thinking about right now? · Not avoiding work.
23. Your car? · A little Jetta.
24. Your work? · I love it.
25. Your summer? · Worried about S.
26. Your relationship status? · Once again single.
27. Your favorite color(s)? · Green green green.
28. When is the last time you laughed? · Just this morning.
29. Last time you cried? · Not long ago.
30. School? · I want in.