Is One of Your Online Friends 1-800-Missing????
Posted by: Devyl Gyrl
Over the last few days, some of us have become increasingly concerned about one of our friends, @greytfriend … a very sweet lady who always brings a ray of sunshine into OUR lives.
I myself had been more absent than present over the last couple of weeks, so I figured I was just missing out on her updates, and that I would catch up when we were both online one day soon. I am so glad that another of our friends, @MadGoatLady put out an all-call on @greytfriend, because I had no idea it had been over a week since her last update! I promised @MadGoatLady to call @greytfriend, then post an update in her timeline.
Now, for some people it is not unusual to disappear. We all get busy and disappear for a time being. We all have things that we have to do that take us away from our online lives longer than we realize. However, for this particular friend, it is very unusual. Not only was she not posting online, but then I realized she was not answering my text messages either!
Since @greytfriend has been very concerned about Baby S since Baby S was first diagnosed with cancer, and she has always made a point of texting whenever I send out updates, I was suddenly not only mildly concerned, but worried … bordering on fear.
I took it upon myself to put out another all-call on my own timeline, update in @MadGoatLady’s all-call to see if anyone had received an update, but ALSO post in @greytfriend’s last update, which had been 11 days ago!!
Then, I followed through on my promise to call (albeit a day later than intended, since Baby S took a mild turn for the worse and I was busy worrying over B & C and Baby S and the kids). I called her cell, I called her home phone. Then, I started doing a little digging to try and find her father’s phone number. Another of @greytfriend’s contacts happened to know which street her Dad lives on, so I was able to take the list I compiled of people with the same last name in the same city determine which of the numbers I had dug up was the correct one.
I called her father, who promptly assured me that she is fine, and not to worry … and that he would pass on my concerns to @greytfriend. All is well … for now. I still do not know why she has been out of contact so long, or why she’s not answering my texts at the very least. Her father had a telephone call he had to take immediately, and was anxious to end our call quickly (though he was rushed, he made a point of saying
“She’s fine, I’ll see her later. What’s your name? Ok, I’ll tell her you called!”) I hope to call her father back later to see if he’ll share any other information that I can pass on to you all.
So, the point of this whole diatribe?
I would like to implore anyone and everyone who considers ME a friend to please send me a private message on whichever social network we use … send a contact method (email, cell phone, home telephone) for yourself … and one for an emergency point of contact. That way, if you are gone, and it is long enough for people to stand up and take notice, I can quietly contact you or your EPOC and find out if you are okay. I will not publish any personal or private information to our social networking sites, but will share with them as much as you’re willing to let me share. That way, everyone knows if you are okay, and if you need love and support.
I promise if you share this information with me, I will lock it away in an “Emergency Contact List” file, and I will not add it to my phone for when I send regular text messages and updates. I will also not abuse it by sharing it in any way with anyone else. I will ONLY use it if you disappear and there is no explanation.
For those of you reading this who do NOT consider me a friend … I beg of you, please give someone who frequents the places you frequent a way to update your contacts if something goes wrong! We may only know each other online, and not everyone wants people nosing around in their personal lives … I understand! However, most of us build a pretty strong friendship with at least a few people online. And while you think it may not matter, or nothing will ever happen … it MIGHT. If it does, we want to know you’re okay … or that you need love and prayer. Or whatever!
For the record, several people who frequent both Plurk and Twitter have MY personal information, but I will make a point of giving a couple of you my BFF’s phone number too, so that you can contact her should I drop off the face of the earth and NOT respond to either a DM from Twitter or a regular text message.
xoxo
October 16th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
When I was in college, my roommate once left for nearby Memphis for a stated overnight on a Thursday and didn’t turn up until late the following Monday. He was in the company of his friend Doug, a serious alcoholic.
My girlfriend, his best friend from from back home, became very concerned, and by Monday we were doing the whole bit — calling family, the highway patrol, hospitals, everything. When he finally showed up he was PISSED at us, and angrily pointed out that he was an adult and we were not his @*(&@(# mother.
At the time, I was extremely angry back at him, and said all he’d needed to do was make one phone call to any of us. We ended up agreeing to disagree on the subject, and the anger on both sides slowly waned.
Today, 25+ years later, I have reversed my position and I agree with him. It is none of your business why one of your onllne contacts decided to drop off for a while, and you have no business tracking down her father and calling him unless you have explicit prior permission to do so (which I understand is what you are asking people to provide). Maybe if you dropped offline suddenly for a couple of weeks it would be 100% sure something was really wrong and you would want people to come looking for you, but you shouldn’t project that onto other people.
Maybe she is facing a serious life decision and suddenly found that she needed a break from the constant chatter for some introspection. Maybe she met someone and impulsively ran off to Jamaica with him/her for 3 weeks. Maybe she had an abortion and not only does not want to talk to anyone, she damned sure doesn’t want her father to be asking her what is wrong.
Maybe I’ve developed too much of a western U.S. mindset, but I really miss the days when one’s business was one’s own unless one explicitly decided to share it with someone else.
Sign me, The Curmudgeon
October 16th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
For the record, if I did not have serious reason to believe that something may be wrong, I would not have contacted her. I was given her personal home phone and her cell phone previously (which I think I mentioned). Also, I did not overreact. I calmly explained to her dad that we had not heard from her, and we were concerned.
I would not have done this for just anyone. I would not have done this for someone I consider just an online friend.
There was a time when I wouldn’t have cared one iota if she’d been gone, and I would have assumed she was fine until I was told otherwise. However, I had a specific incident happen in which I didn’t find out someone needed help until it was too late … and a simple phone call to that person’s parents (or a nearby friend, but I only knew the parents’ phone number), could have gotten that help.
And, also for the record, she was not at all upset I had tracked down her father, and she thanked me profusely for caring.
So, maybe I am a busy body, a nosy bitch, a pushy psycho … but if someone wants to un-friend me for caring too much, let them. I would rather care too much than not enough. I learned a hard lesson in that respect.
October 16th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Since I am also friends with greytfriend, I am glad you cared enough to find her. She is enough of a presence in my blogging life that I had begun to worry about her. If I drop off the face of the earth, I would expect 1 million texts from you and would love to see them.
Even if she was going through a personal crisis of some sort, a little “I care and I hope you are ok” message is perfectly acceptable.
Thank you for being the kind, caring friend you are…Love you much!
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October 16th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
I think it is amazing that you are as sweet and caring as you are. I agree with the previous comment you posted; if it was just a regular online friend you would wait it out and see if they post later; but if its a good online friend who you KNOW will not just stop updating out of nowhere, not even a text; its great that you care enough to make sure she is doing good.
You never know, an online friend could have gotten in an accident with no way to get to cell or computer.
October 16th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
Thanks gyrls
I can understand where r_wolfcastle is coming from … I know people like him & his friend. But *most* of my friends are the type to leave a quick message saying, “Going off grid. Need some time. Will touch base later.” Not to mention, us gyrls are more emotional anyway, and prefer to view it as being cared about than someone being over-reactive or nosy.
However, he has a valid point. And, I wouldn’t have been so diligent in finding just anyone. I *would* leave @ replies, DM/PMs, replies on blogs, or email. I wouldn’t do a complete shakedown though. I would most likely just leave messages for most people, or ask someone we both know to make contact just to make sure all is well (as I have done in the past with a fav pup-friend of mine).
October 16th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
For the record, I am The True Great Communicator. Ronald Reagan’s ghost can bite my hairy yellow butt. I would never disappear from a highly-interactive scene without notice, because I wouldn’t want people to worry.
That said, if I did disappear, I would expect people to have respect for me, which means assuming that I either made a conscious choice to disappear, and/or assuming that I would have made local arrangements and would not be reliant on online friends to come rescue me if I’ve fallen and can’t get up. Anyone doing otherwise is assuming that I can’t take care of myself, and that is presumptuous and demeaning.
I love my mother, she was my best friend before I met my wife, but she doesn’t keep that close track of me, and that is one of the reasons I love her, and why she is still one of my best friends. And she expects the same of me; she expects me to let her live her own life and make her own mistakes, but she knows I will always be there for her when *she says* she needs me.
This person at least will thank you all to keep your mothering instinct in your pants.
October 17th, 2008 at 9:23 am
r_wolfcastle … You crack me up. I know that is not the response you probably intended, but you do.
That is all.