Random Thoughts and Musings

So tonight I get home after 8 pm, after working a full day despite my late start. I came home thinking we would spend a quiet couple of hours watching television and relaxing as a family. For those of you not already in the know, my family closest (in location) currently consists of:

• Myself, my tween
• Roommate A, her two children Ca and Co
• Roommate M, his teen R
• Their mother, SC, who lives in her own home;
• Their father, DT who lives with his gf in an apartment nearby

I consider A & M my sister & brother, and their children are my nieces and nephews. They *also* happen to be the sister & brother of my BFF, C (who is married to B and has five children: J, who lives with his dad; B, Ch, K, and Baby S).

Okay. So anyway. I figured Mom, A, M, and kids and I would be chilling out for an hour together, and that the kids would then disperse to bed and us adults would hang out for another hour or two … it has been more than a week since we have properly been able to have family time.

Instead, I walk towards the house and Mom & R come outside to me and say that R has something to tell me. She did not even have to say it. I saw her look away from me, I saw that she was crying. I knew. Still, I waited. I wanted to be wrong. I wanted her to NOT BE THAT EFFING STUPID after all the discussions we have had since she moved in with us this summer. I wanted to believe that we (we being her father, A, Mom, and I) had been able to reach her despite the previous 15 years of damage inflicted by her mother.

Finally, she took a deep breath and looked at me and looked away again, mumbling, “I’m pregnant.”

I looked at her. I shook my head. I walked away. We are standing in the driveway. I know I am loud when I yell. I do *not* want the whole neighborhood to hear me. I came inside, I heated up my leftover HelenBack pizza (that place creates heaven in a pizza pie). I poured myself a glass of tea. I called R into the kitchen.

Me: What are you going to do?
R: Keep it.
Me: How do you plan on doing that?
R: Get a job.
Me: Do you have any idea of how expensive it is to raise a baby?
R: My school is transferring me to TAPS.

(Apparently a program for teenagers who are pregnant. Awesome that we have it … I had no idea there *was* such a thing, I knew two girls that were pregnant when I was in high school. R’s mother (she dropped out). The only other pregnant teenager I knew must have been pregnant mostly in the summer. I am honestly not sure. I remember her being in school pretty quickly though … I was always sort of oblivious, because I lived a pretty controlled life.)

Me: Do you have ANY IDEA what you have set yourself up for?
R: No.
Me: Who is the father?
R: My ex, J.
Me: Does he know?
R: He’ll be there for the baby.
Me: *scoff* DO NOT count on that. If he follows through, AWESOME. He obviously could not even follow through with fucking a minor and keeping a condom on his dick, so please do not count on him to be responsible now that he HAS a child.
R: I won’t, Aunt Angel.
Me:Do NOT expect a free ride. Do NOT think about going out and partying. Do NOT expect help from the father. Do NOT think about going out and playing. You WILL be working. Do NOT think about smoking cigarettes or pot. Do NOT expect to get out of things because you are pregnant. You WILL be keeping up with your chores, school work, and everything else we set before you.
R: (smiling) Yes ma’am.
Me: I hope you feel stupid. I hope you remember that feeling. The next time you THINK about doing something we have ALREADY TOLD YOU might cause problems later, or is wrong, or is stupid, YOU REMEMBER THIS FUCKING FEELING, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
R: Yes ma’am. I’ve felt stupid since I found out.
Me: You have a lot to do to get your ass on track, young lady. You are LUCKY you are not my daughter. Because if you were, as soon as I knew you were having sex, or smoking pot, or smoking cigarettes, or drinking alcohol … you would have been on lockdown. This is ridiculous. You complain all the damn time about how shitty your mother is at parenting. Do you think YOU, at 16, can do a better job than she did?
R: (crying) NO!
Me: What is your plan?
R: Go to TAPS, get a job. I don’t know. I’m telling you because I need help.
Me: Do not plan on free babysitting, even from Grandma (pointed look at Mom, RIGHT MOM?). Do not plan on having us pay for diapers, food, wipes, clothes, or anything else. You will get a job. You WILL provide for this child. YOU WILL get a GED or high school diploma.
R: Yes ma’am. I know. I knew you would not give me a free ride. I came back here though because I know it is better than being at home with my mom.
Me: I suggest you look into getting into the service when you are of age. If you need a high school diploma to do that, I suggest you get a high school diploma INSTEAD of a GED. I suggest you buckle down and do whatever necessary to stay out of trouble until then. You ALREADY have a record, R. It is going to be difficult enough. But the service can help you provide for this child properly, without having to RELY on the boy.
R: I don’t know how to do that.
Me: Oh, we will take you to the recruiting office so that you can find out. Trust me on that. And, whatever advice and help TAPS offers you so that you can go after that twit boy for child support, you WILL follow through with. Do you understand me?
R: He’ll be there for the kid.
Me: DO NOT COUNT ON THAT. YOU PROTECT YOUR ASS AND THE BABY BY FILING AND DOING WHATEVER THEY SAY. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
R: Yes ma’am. Can I have a hug?
Me: Get over here. I love you (hugs her tightly). Dammit, R. Get your shit together. NOW. You need to break this cycle. YOU have to be the one.
R: I remember you saying that about breaking the abuse cycle your parents and grandparents and everyone had, and how you had to control yourself not to continue it.
Me: That’s right. So we know it CAN be done. YOU KNOW I am NOT talking out of my ass - I have done it. So can you. Do you understand me?
R: Yes ma’am.
Me: Go clean up you girls room. Tween is already in there working on it.

I raised my voice a little, but not at a single point did I actually YELL. This is a MIRACLE for me, because I yell even when i am only half-mad. I do not know WHY I am so loud, but I am. I can just be excited about something and people think I am pissed off because I get loud. However, even Mom (who is always the first to say I am yelling) said I got loud, but did not yell. I am impressed with me.

I can haz Jack Daniels, brownies, chocolate cake, and sweet tea nao?
(ok … I only have sweet tea out of that whole list. Someone send in the rescue squad with the rest please! I am surviving on a handful of BBQ chips and a bowl of grapes. kkthxbai.)

xoxo

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Edited to add:
I want to apologize to any women/girls reading this who are or did get pregnant as a teenager. I hold no ill will against anyone. I just know how much time I spent talking to her about this very thing since she moved in with us in June. I did not WANT her here in the house to begin with … I knew she would be a bad influence on my own Tween. And here we are, exactly where I did NOT want to be.

We are not going to beat her, or abuse her. If it comes down to it, I would take her in myself and take care of the child (she would have to sign over rights though - I refuse to raise a child for a year just to have her up and disappear). Our lease is up in April … she’ll have all of us til then. After that, some decisions will have to be made. I do not know what will happen between now and then.

As I stated before, I had one friend who dropped out of high school to have a child. Another who gave hers up for adoption. I have another friend, one who I see as a pseudo-daughter, who I only really got to know because she found out she was pregnant and needed emotional support as she went through an abortion. Prior to her needing to discuss that matter, we were merely passers by on a message board. She and I are still close, though we do not talk nearly as often as I would like.

So, while abortion and adoption are not things I would choose for myself, I am not against them per se … and I do not hold any ill-will towards anyone who does either of these things.

I am only angry because this is something we discussed at length. We gave her the knowledge, the tools, the understanding. And she STILL was neglectful, irresponsible, and stupid about the decisions she was making.

So please, no more hate mail.

Thanks.

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xoxo

One of the things I love most about the online communities in which I immerse myself, is the quality of the people within them. I often read about, or discuss with different members, the many things they do to make life better for someone else. I find these thoughts and discussions admirable, and inspiring on every level.

It is because I know I speak to so many amazing people I am bringing you the following link. I can think of at least five of you who could especially bring benefits to this particular cause. There are a few more who have not yet stepped into the waters of community service, whether it is because you are unsure of your own abilities, unable to locate a cause that inspires you, or you feel inadequately qualified in the face of the services you have researched to date.

Everyone, please … take a look at this link and consider joining the cause. I am super-excited about it, and I hope that a few of you find the time to participate. If you do, please come back and tell me your story!!

In2Books

xoxo