Random Thoughts and Musings

Holiday time is rolling around, and with it all the stress of all the miserable holidays of my childhood. I do my best not to sink into the depression that I know can completely darken my spirit … but I am not always successful.

On my mind today:

We knew Christmas 2004 would be interesting. Our town was still completely devastated (Hurricane Charley had blown through four months earlier, wreaking havoc on us all). Our finances were strained. I made the decision to not let tween go out west as usual, because my stepmother was fairly certain this was her last big holiday.

Christmas morning was the normal beautiful holiday that my Dad & Stepmother always managed to create (i was not privy to most of them: my mom & stepfather preferred to keep me in the morning & let my Dad & Stepmom have the evening of the holidays). We all managed some incredibly meaningful gifts … especially my Stepmother. By the afternoon, when we were all due to go to my Uncle’s house to celebrate with the extended family (my Mom & Stepdad were out of town - no need to split the holiday for once), my Stepmother looked pretty worn … she did not want to come over. I left with everyone else, but could not stop thinking about her being at home alone. After everyone arrived, I found Dad and told him I was going home, asked him to help me prepare a plate of my Stepmother’s favorite foods. We packaged it up, along with gifts from other family members, and off I went. Everyone else chose to stay with the family, so I knew it would be a pleasant evening at home, quietly watching movies and crying over the sappy bits together.

A couple of people called to check on us, but we got off the phone quickly each time, just enjoying our togetherness. Around 8pm, I had a sudden realization: she did not touch her plate of Christmas favorites … did not eat any candy, did not snack on the Little Debbie Christmas cakes. She barely drank any water.

Shit.

That was the moment I knew. This was the down-turn. She was hanging on to get through the holiday … but she was on her way out the door. It was another week (with her munching slightly, forcing herself to drink water, and receiving IV treatments) before her liver shut down completely. She was moved to the hospital, in so much pain she could not stand, or be lifted … it took an hour to move her from the bed to a stool with wheels, and another 30 minutes to get her out the door to the car, another ten minutes to get into the car. It was an awful, horrifying, miserable, painful process.

Once at the hospital, we received the official notification of what we already knew. From then on, we changed from home to acceptance. Everyone was called, the whole family flocked back home to see her. Only one cousin did not make it in time - probably the one who felt the loss the most since my Stepmother had taken her in and raised her years before.

I know when my stepmother was on her way home, our whole family (all 100+ of us) were in and out of the hospital room, and camped out in the hallways. One day soon after my Stepmother’s passing, I ran into Nurse XXoXX who said, “Your family is so beautiful. You were losing someone obviously important, because none of you left the hospital for more than an hour the whole three days she was here … but all of you were smiling, polite, loving, laughing … it was amazing to the whole staff that you could find joy in such a devastating time.”

We had made the choice to enjoy every moment of her life with her - even if she could not properly do so. We cried in private, and smiled and loved and laughed together.

We cannot know when our “time” is up (for the most part), so enjoyment of life is something we should all take advantage of … we wanted her heart to rest, we wanted her mind at peace, and we wanted her soul to float as high as possible …. all without realizing how much pain we all felt inside.

So, if it was all so beautiful … what has me so down right now?

*Lays my head down on my desk.*

I want my mommy back, please.