Random Thoughts and Musings

Something I have noticed about myself that makes me wonder whether I am a as good a mother as I believe. I notice a lot of parents who speak out passionately about missing their children when they are away from them even for a few hours. These are people I admire, respect, and consider great parents. Recently, one of my friends was not going to see her child for 14 hours, and it was enough to make her feel panicky. Another of my friends mentioned last week that spending spring break away from her child was enough to make her go get a prescription filled for anxiety, because she did not think she could go through the week without completely freaking out.

So, what does that say about me? From the time she was 11 months old, she would spend weekends away from me, visiting her father. I worried beforehand, I teared up briefly as I dropped her off, and I was thriled to have her home again when the time came.

The hours, days between dropoff and pickup? I went about my business, doing what I needed to do, and thought of her only briefly as I wondered what she was doing and how she was faring under someone else’s care. I did not worry. I did not “freak out,” and I did not feel the need to call daily. In fact, I preferred to let her call ME if and when she needed or wanted to talk to me, so her calm would not be interrupted with a sudden bout of homesickness brough on by my call.

When she was four, she would fly across country to visit her family for the entire summer. At first, they came to pick her up & again to drop her off. At age 7, she would fly alone (on an accompanied flight, of cours). I worry about the flights themselves, but only because if something happened on the flight, I am not there to guide her through the process. Once she is on land again, I stop worrying and enjoy my responsibility-free time. Sometimes I go out with friends - which I do rarely when she is at home. Sometimes I have friends visit, because we do not have to worry about schedules. Mostly I go about my life exactly like I do when she is home. I do not think about her any more or less than I do normally. I do not stress about being away from her. I do not worry about her. I do not think about the five zillion things that could go wrong while I am not by her side.

Nowadays, she flies to California for part of the summer, goes to south Florida for another part of the summer, and with any luck, will be going to Georgia for another part of the summer this year.  I have not in the past, and I know I will not in the future, be anxious about this. I will not wish she was home instead, because I know she will be visiting people she loves.

In November, if life goes as planned, I will take my third trip to Jamaica (I missed last year because I was unable to save up enough $$ to go). I go with a group of friends. I go without my Tween. I go, and am out of touch (unless there is an emergency) for a week. I always bring home a trinket of some sort for Tween. I think about her, hope she’s doing what she is supposed to, hope she’s behaving properly for the family or friend that is watching her, and hope she’s having a great week without me. However, these thoughts come fleetingly, and 95% of the time, I do not think about anything other than the sun, sand, and sensational entertainment. I do not feel guilty for taking this time to myself. I do not wish I could bring her with me (although for her 18th birthday I plan to take her to Jamaica because she has expressed interest). I come home refreshed, relaxed, and able to laugh and play more because I took time to myself.

Am I a “bad” parent? Is there something wrong with me? I often feel I could never measure up to the other parents I know. Sometimes I feel guilty that Tween is stuck with me for a mother, because I see how other parents are with their children, and wonder if she would prefer me to be like them. However, I feel no real need to change.

As a child, I swore I would not be like either of my set of parents. I felt one set was too strict, the other too lenient. I believe I have accomplished a middle-road standard for myself, and that I provide a balance between the two sets of examples my parents set. I look around and find I am far more strict than most of my friends, but that Tween is better behaved than a lot of their children. I know I could be doing more to teach her selflessness (I spoil her pretty badly), but I take pride in her giving nature, her nurturing manners, and her open and loving heart.

Tween tells me I am a great mother, and I believe her - 99.9% of the time. Until someone tells me about freaking out because their child is going to spend an afternoon or a night away from them. And then I wonder … what is wrong with me?