I had quite an upsetting experience lately, and spouted off about it on my favorite social website. I spoke to one friend in an offline setting, and another friend in a private (albeit online) setting. I’ll tell the story first, then tell you what I gained from the two conversations.
One day recently, I realized a friend of mine had disappeared off of our social networks. I also had not received any texts from him when I posted in the blog about Baby S having appointments. Since Baby S was the catalyst for our friendship, I found this most surprising. I asked, publicly, whether anyone had seen/heard from him, and received no positive responses. A few days later, I thought to go to his individual pages, and noticed they were all deleted. I found it odd, so I texted him to ask if all was well, if his wife was okay (she has medical problems … or, at least I *think* she does … now I am not so sure), if anything had happened.
I did not hear back from him, and chalked it up to life being busy, or something happening that necessitated his attentions focusing in-world rather than online.
A week or two later, I received a text message from said friend’s wife, asking who I was, why I had her husband’s number, and if we were having “sex talk.” I was surprised - one basis of my friendship with this person was our individual religious/faith beliefs. We spoke often of faith, God, our respective failures and accomplishments in such a realm. Sex was *not* one of our topics of discussion (I know some of you find this surprising … but I have said multiple times, I am more of a tease - I like to flirt outrageously, but sex is not something I spend a whole lot of time thinking about). I responded, keeping my answers respectful, letting her know that our friendship was platonic, he’d always been respectful of her and of me, and that we became friends when my friend’s baby had health issues and I spent a lot of time blogging about said issues. She thanked me, said he had proven to be unfaithful, and that the other woman had given up my name. I am *still* not sure how this happened, and I would LOVE to know who the other woman was that was trying to put me in a position to take the fall for her own weaknesses.
The friend’s wife asked me not to speak to him anymore, and I agreed. I deleted both her number and his from my phone. Later, he sent me a text saying he had cheated on her, and that is why he had contacted me. I replied that she asked me not to speak to him anymore, but that I hope they worked things out, and to please not contact me again.
I was sure this was the end of the conversation, the situation, and I promptly put it out of my mind. I was saddened to lose a friend who had been a great source of emotional and mental support when I was driving back and forth to the hospital, BFF’s house, work, and home last year. For much of the year, I felt like I was in a fog, barely hanging on … and yet, I knew that what I was feeling was not 1/100th of what B & C were feeling, despite my closeness to them and to Baby S. This friend had helped me put things in perspective so that I could continue being a source of strength for my friends, and not start draining on their own energy.
This weekend, I noticed I had a voicemail. I have no idea when I received it - if I don’t recognize the number, I do not pay attention to the phone ringing, and just check my voicemail every few days to grab messages. Sometimes, I miss something important, but for the most part my friends and family know to email or text me if they need me urgently.
Anyhow, I checked the voicemail … and became LIVID. It was the friend’s wife, again. Only now, she was spouting words like ‘homewrecker’ and ‘whore.’ She told me that her husband had ‘admitted everything,’ and she knew exactly what we had done, and if I was a ‘REAL WOMAN,’ I would have admitted so the first time she contacted me.
Uhm, excuse me?
I have not met this friend in person, ever. We spoke on the phone a few times - to discuss Baby S updates, to chitchat, to talk about him being worried about his wife (now, I wonder, if she was ever sick). There were no conversations about sex … no sexual overtones. I assumed if we met, his wife would be there - I asked about her every time we spoke, we talked about Lil Lady and I driving up through his state to get to some of my family, and stopping to see their property and possibly do a quick barbeque.
It took me a couple of hours, but I sent back a flood of text messages. I sent them to him, and then copied her. I had to check my cell records to get his number, but hers was attached to the VM she left (yes, I saved it … I am not sure yet why, but I know it is there for a reason). I told him I was disgusted by his behavior, which is in stark contrast to the person he portrayed himself to be, and that I had no interest in him as anything other than a friend. I told him if he or his wife ever contacted me again, I would likely call the police, because I do not appreciate being physically threatened (I doubt she would do such a thing - she wielded Bible verses and whatnot at me in the same message). I also told them both that they should be ashamed of themselves, because if my daughter had picked up the phone and the wife hadn’t realized it was my daughter and not me, there would have been many things said that my daughter wouldn’t have needed to hear.
I often wonder where behaviors like this come from … it seemed so out of the blue to me.
One of my friends asked me (gently) why this friend and I contacted each other off the social websites in the first place. I didn’t understand her question, and reminded her about Baby S, then explained he was a big part of my BFF receiving a gift from some of my friends. She told me she wasn’t doubting me or my behavior, then pointed out that as a married couple, she and her husband do not have friendships with single people of the opposite sex unless they are friends of theirs as a COUPLE.
It simply did not occur to me to be concerned about this - I wasn’t hiding anything, so why should I be? Apparently, though, I need to start asking people if they are married … BEFORE I speak to them anywhere but on a social website. This seems ludicrous to me … but if I do not censor them, are they already censoring themselves?
Another friend pointed out that said friend hid behind the Bible and religion but that he obviously did not hold himself to those standards. She mentioned that just because his interactions with me were innocent did not mean his interactions with others were innocent.
My original intent was to out this person here … I do not have that large of a reader base, and I do not think anyone other than my friends would see it, ever. However, if one of HIS friends or family decided to search on his handle, I do not want them to end up here, and have salt thrown into an open wound, or have an old wound torn open. Goodness knows, his wife may not want her family/friends knowing her husband is a cheating louse.
So, now I feel the need to state: If you are a married male, and your wife does not know you have female friends online, DO NOT contact me - ever. I have no interest in being the scapegoat for YOUR wife’s anger, either. If you are a married male who’s wife is also on the same social networks we share, introduce me to her - I’ll gladly speak to her as often or little as I speak to you.
I also want to point out that the person I speak of is NOT the man I call ‘twitterhubby’ on the social networks. Some of you were under this misconception, because he is the person I have the most obvious flirty-friendship with online. However, HE has been up-front with his relationships, non-relationships, and encounters … he does not pretend to be anything he is not, nor does he pretend to have any interest in me, other than as a friend. So please … call off the witch hunt!
Seriously, though … if you cannot say what you want to say to me in a public forum, I am probably not interested. I have enough going on in my life, I do not need YOUR family drama spilling over into my world.
