Selfishness must always be forgiven you know, because there is no hope of a cure.
~Jane Austen
The other night, Rena and I had a “fight.” I spoke, she pouted/whined/spoke back, I got angry at her for acting like a spoiled brat, and then we texted for an hour, working it out (I find it easier to get her to talk when not face-to-face, especially if I am already angry at her and trying not to yell).
It was a silly argument: she has clothes in her closet that she does not wear. Most of these are clothes she has asked for at some point. They are all clothes that are beautiful, and none are clothes that I forced her to choose against her will. I have asked her before to make sure she starts wearing more of her clothes. She tells me things like, “it doesn’t fit anymore,” or “I don’t really like it - I only bought it because I didn’t want to disappoint you.” Uhm, excuse me: it would have fit six months ago if you would have worn it when you asked for it, and I do NOT exert “motherly control” over your wardrobe!
The “fighting” portion of this scenario ended with me ripping (ok, removing with her permission … “ripping” sounds more like what I wanted to do!) the sweater off of her person and throwing it in the garbage to show her what a waste it was for her not to wear it. (It is in the laundry now, folks - I did *not* throw my money away literally! Besides, my niece loves the damn sweater and will be thrilled to wear it!)
Later, in our text discussion, I told her I was angry because I asked her to wear a sweater before it got too small, and she felt like she needed to argue/pout/whine about it. I let her know I did not EVER want to see that behavior again - she knows it angers me, because we’ve discussed it when we have seen other children treating their parents that way. I also let her know I felt like such an attitude was the display of a spoiled, ungrateful child.
My parents did not give me a choice with my own clothing growing up. I always swore I would not treat my own children that way. I have always given Rena choices, and allowed her to express herself however she chooses through her hair and wardrobe. On the other hand, I hate wastefulness. I do not want to be spending what little money we have on something that will go to total waste. It is frustrating and depressing.
I feel like maybe my working so hard to ensure she doesn’t feel deprived has gone too far. I think maybe she is a little spoiled. I’m cooking up a little plan in my head, and I hope to implement it soon. If I do, you know I’ll blog about it! Until then, I am going to remove all the clothes from my daughter’s room that she doesn’t wear. When she ONLY has the choice of the handful of items she wears, I’ll bet she’ll start wanting more options. And when she does, she’ll realize that maybe she needs to listen to me more often and start wearing more of her clothes!
(Thinking on it now, I am realizing the problem is her liking something and wanting to wear it, then realizing her friends probably won’t approve, and chickening out. She’s done that with a few other things before, only with those it was more obvious because she bought items or put together outfits for special days at school - crazy hat day, mismatch day, twins day, etc - then decided at teh last minute not to wear them. I’m obviously going to have to talk to her about peer pressure in relation to even the smallest of decisions.)
This whole scenario represents the lowest of lows in parenting. I shouldn’t have lost my temper - I’m still not sure why it affected me so deeply, although something hormonal is likely, considering the timeline. I do know that while I am not proud of it, and despite the fact that I’ve had a few “friends” on Plurk tell me I’m a shitty mother, I am glad it happened. I’d rather confront her spoiled attitude over something small, rather than have it be displayed over something that truly matters in the scheme of life. At least now I have the opportunity to guide her in another direction!
Feel free to tell me your thoughts in the comments — good and bad.
xoxox
