Selfishness & Forgiveness
Posted by: Devyl GyrlSelfishness must always be forgiven you know, because there is no hope of a cure.
~Jane Austen
The other night, Rena and I had a “fight.” I spoke, she pouted/whined/spoke back, I got angry at her for acting like a spoiled brat, and then we texted for an hour, working it out (I find it easier to get her to talk when not face-to-face, especially if I am already angry at her and trying not to yell).
It was a silly argument: she has clothes in her closet that she does not wear. Most of these are clothes she has asked for at some point. They are all clothes that are beautiful, and none are clothes that I forced her to choose against her will. I have asked her before to make sure she starts wearing more of her clothes. She tells me things like, “it doesn’t fit anymore,” or “I don’t really like it - I only bought it because I didn’t want to disappoint you.” Uhm, excuse me: it would have fit six months ago if you would have worn it when you asked for it, and I do NOT exert “motherly control” over your wardrobe!
The “fighting” portion of this scenario ended with me ripping (ok, removing with her permission … “ripping” sounds more like what I wanted to do!) the sweater off of her person and throwing it in the garbage to show her what a waste it was for her not to wear it. (It is in the laundry now, folks - I did *not* throw my money away literally! Besides, my niece loves the damn sweater and will be thrilled to wear it!)
Later, in our text discussion, I told her I was angry because I asked her to wear a sweater before it got too small, and she felt like she needed to argue/pout/whine about it. I let her know I did not EVER want to see that behavior again - she knows it angers me, because we’ve discussed it when we have seen other children treating their parents that way. I also let her know I felt like such an attitude was the display of a spoiled, ungrateful child.
My parents did not give me a choice with my own clothing growing up. I always swore I would not treat my own children that way. I have always given Rena choices, and allowed her to express herself however she chooses through her hair and wardrobe. On the other hand, I hate wastefulness. I do not want to be spending what little money we have on something that will go to total waste. It is frustrating and depressing.
I feel like maybe my working so hard to ensure she doesn’t feel deprived has gone too far. I think maybe she is a little spoiled. I’m cooking up a little plan in my head, and I hope to implement it soon. If I do, you know I’ll blog about it! Until then, I am going to remove all the clothes from my daughter’s room that she doesn’t wear. When she ONLY has the choice of the handful of items she wears, I’ll bet she’ll start wanting more options. And when she does, she’ll realize that maybe she needs to listen to me more often and start wearing more of her clothes!
(Thinking on it now, I am realizing the problem is her liking something and wanting to wear it, then realizing her friends probably won’t approve, and chickening out. She’s done that with a few other things before, only with those it was more obvious because she bought items or put together outfits for special days at school - crazy hat day, mismatch day, twins day, etc - then decided at teh last minute not to wear them. I’m obviously going to have to talk to her about peer pressure in relation to even the smallest of decisions.)
This whole scenario represents the lowest of lows in parenting. I shouldn’t have lost my temper - I’m still not sure why it affected me so deeply, although something hormonal is likely, considering the timeline. I do know that while I am not proud of it, and despite the fact that I’ve had a few “friends” on Plurk tell me I’m a shitty mother, I am glad it happened. I’d rather confront her spoiled attitude over something small, rather than have it be displayed over something that truly matters in the scheme of life. At least now I have the opportunity to guide her in another direction!
Feel free to tell me your thoughts in the comments — good and bad.
xoxox
February 15th, 2010 at 7:26 am
I think you did an excellent job. Everyone loses their temper from time to time (and kids work harder to see it happen). You used a great method to work through it. You didn’t hit her or just send her away; you found a method of communication that wouldn’t make the problem worse and “talked” through the problem. That’s nothing short of brilliant. Tell those plurkers to buzz off.
Beav’s last blog post..More stuff of newness
February 15th, 2010 at 11:20 am
we have done something similar to your proposed plan with TheBubster and her toy chest. When she wants more toys, she has to give up old toys that she does not play with, I will keep in mind that this will need to continue as she grows and becomes more interested in cloths than toys.
Good job!
nathan’s last blog post..How to get a college degree
February 15th, 2010 at 2:39 pm
I still get aggravated at my 20yo for wasting money on clothes she doesn’t/won’t wear. My son is so much easier. He wears everything until it virtually falls apart.
I like the idea of removing the clothes she doesn’t wear. If I had done that when my daughter was living at home, she’d end up with less than half her wardrobe. Good luck with your plan.
Tara R.’s last blog post..Giving it all up for Lent
February 15th, 2010 at 7:05 pm
Give yourself a break. Being a kid is difficult, but being a parent is even more difficult. I am not sure that plan of removing the unworn clothes will work as she does not wear these anyways. But at least , you are working on the issue. I wish the best for you and your daughter.
Molly’s last blog post..Fun Monday - Least Favorite Chore
February 15th, 2010 at 8:17 pm
**Hugs**
No matter how you look at it, you’re a great mom and Rena is lucky to have you. Maybe you did over-react a little bit, but it’s not so hard to understand why you did - it’s important to you. Other people just say things because this issue may not be as important to them.
As for taking away the things that Rena doesn’t wear, I think that’s a great idea. I think one of the reasons she doesn’t value things as much as you’d like her to is that you’ve done such a wonderful job providing for her. Sometimes it’s good to let our kids experience a little bit of the things we’d like to protect them from. Until they have, they never really understand what we’re telling them.
Take care.
SociallyDistressed’s last blog post..10 Things You May Want to Work On
February 15th, 2010 at 9:39 pm
Well, since I was there, and witnessed the teenage attitude you had to deal with, I GREATLY admire your restraint. I saw how excited you were when you showed her what you had picked out for her to wear, and I saw the disappointment on your face when she immediately frowned and gave you the “you’ve got to be kidding me… wear that?” look. I know that although you do get angry at wastefulness, and exasperated at the attitude chip she occasionally wears on her shoulder, you were very hurt that your daughter treated you so thoughtlessly over something as trivial as a sweater. And I also know how you once would have reacted. I am VERY proud of your ability to find a way to communicate with your teenager and talk it out, when so many parents have so much difficulty in that area. You get many kudos from me. And I really don’t know what plurk is, but the people criticizing you on “there” need to step back and take inventory of their own short comings, because let’s face it, we ALL have them. XOXOXO Love you for always.
(And I LOVE the cleaning out the closet idea… a creative way to get your point across… life is all about lessons. Sometimes, we’re the ones that have to teach a few to our children.)
February 15th, 2010 at 9:41 pm
The situation hits home for you because you are giving her something you never had - choice - and she does not appreciate it. It is the unavoidable paradox of parenting: we want to give our kids the things we didn’t have, because we know what it is not to have it, but they don’t ever know what they lack. Makes you wonder what our parents tried to give us to cover what we never knew we lacked.
My mom frequently says that you either choose to raise your kids the same way you were raised or the opposite. She chose opposite. I never knew the hand of control trying to steer my life. But I sometimes find myself wishing she would tell me what I ought to do when I need help, or balk at making a decision that is hard. She stands her ground because she knows what it is like to have someone constantly weighing in, constantly scoring decisions, steering courses, pushing and pulling. I am grateful to my mother for being who she is, and for raising me with a world of choices, even if I sometimes have trouble deciding.
You did fine, as Beav pointed out. Many parents would have let that escalate to something much less forgiveable. If you don’t think you should take her clothes away, how about talking to her about having her pull them out and either selling them to pay you back (or replace them), or donate them to someone who will be more grateful to have them? It may allow for a further learning opportunity, and she may think a little harder next time about what she is willing to walk to the checkout with, after being faced with the huge pile of “rejects” and the narrow sliver of “acceptables” left in the closet.
And remember - fighting about something little is often the way that people who love each other work out other unresolved issues that may not have anything to do with each other. So cut yourself a break, and enjoy the strength of your bond. <3
February 17th, 2010 at 11:05 pm
Beav - We all know I have a short fuse and a hot temper. I do my best to not let it get out of hand, but sometimes it gets away from me before I can reign it in properly. I have always known that I need an indirect method of communication for those times. Unfortunately, not everyone is open to allowing me to use them. My daughter, however, likes the same approach. She needs time to digest her own behaviors, and then will usually leave me a note or send me a message telling me she knows her behavior was wrong, and how she would like to correct herself. I appreciate that she makes that effort!
Nathan - Awesome! When my daughter was 3 years old, she asked if she could give some toys to the “kids who don’t have any.” We dropped them off at a local orphanage. It was great! Before every birthday and Christmas since, she has weeded through her own items to show me what she feels she can live without. Most of it gets passed down to my best friend’s daughter (or, when they lived closer, to my daughter’s sister), but much of it makes its way to Goodwill, local churches and collection sites, or wherever we see they are needed. We also used to do six “Christmas Angels” each year. This past year was the first time we were unable to do so. Even though I was laid off last Christmas, our Angel Tree gifts had already been delivered, so we were happy to have completed that mission. I love that my daughter takes responsibility for doing these things normally. I really think that having me do so once will help her appreciate her clothing as much as she does her other belongings!
Tara - I’m glad I am not the only one who sees this as wasteful! I, too, wear things out… though when they start looking worn, I tend to wear them only at home or at BFF’s house!
Molly - I am unsure if this method will work, too. However, I think it will open her eyes to the fact that she has less *choice.* I don’t mind her having those choices, as long as she uses them now and then. I want her to understand that if left unworn, those choices will no longer be given, and therefore she will be “forced” by her own hand. I have not ever met a person that liked to be “forced” into something!
Andy - I agree. Kids need to know, to an extent, what they are being protected from. I try to give Rena a broad understanding, without her having to “live” it, you know?
Christy - I love you. I love that you always get me, and that you always know what I am trying to say, even when I cannot express it. (And, I also know that you are just excited to get your hands on those clothes for your daughters. *grins*) I am also glad we were with you when it happened. I think part of her beginning to understand why it was a big deal was due to you and Brooklyn being excited over the sweater, too, and Brooklyn talking to her afterwards. <3
Kris - Donating her clothes or passing them down has been something she has done (on her own!)for almost 10 years. She *has* offered, on her own, to pay me back for the sweater. It wasn’t so much about the money as the principle: do not buy something just to buy it, buy it because you WANT to wear it. Also, do not avoid wearing something you want to wear just because you think it won’t be “cool” enough for your friends. I know I was lucky with our group of friends growing up: nobody ever belittled me for the things I wore or my hair, or not being able to wear makeup, or anything else. We all accepted each other how we were, good and bad alike. I want her to understand that acceptance of differences is one of the key things in life! xo