Random Thoughts and Musings

My new (step)Mama called today to chat and fill me in on the happenings back home. I was really excited at first - they bought a barber shop so my brother would have a place to work AND manage, since he finally got his license. My Dad’s going to Sturgis again, despite their fear they wouldn’t be able to afford the trip ever again, AND (bonus) this is the 70th anniversary. My niece (youngest brother’s daughter) is turning 1 on the 1st of August (and she’s so damn precious - I really wish I could get home to meet her). My nephews are doing well now that my “big” brother (younger than me, oldest of my two younger brothers) has custody of them. These are all awesome news items, and I love hearing them.

And then, she got around to the BIG NEWS.

My father’s three best friends have been his best friends for a long, long time. Clay is a mean SOB, but sweeter than pie to all of us. Cleve has always been the jolly, happy guy who wraps you up in a big hug and makes everything better. Roger was always a little bit of a trouble maker, a pot-stirrer, and never really wanted much out of life.

A few years back (when I still lived down south), Roger had a car accident. The other driver died a few days later, and Roger was charged with a DUI. I never understood the specifics. My (step)Mama thought he’d be able to fight the charges and win, since he wasn’t tested right away. Regardless, he was sent to prison (I don’t think he really fought the charges … which is never a good thing, especially when what you’re being accused of isn’t exactly true). He’s been there for a few years now. My Dad goes to visit whenever he can. One recent trip, he came home and told (step)Mama that Roger (who was ALWAYS overly skinny - he was maybe 130 lbs sopping wet) looked thinner, paler, and was really shaky. She immediately pointed out that she thought his cancer was back (he’d fought off bladder cancer a couple of years earlier). Roger then broke his leg, and again she told Roger to tell them about the cancer. They went in and fixed the leg … and found the cancer themselves. It had spread to his hips and legs, and up into his lungs. He’s going to parole board soon, and hopefully he’ll be allowed to come home for his last few months. I won’t be there to see him, but Dad and (step)Mama can take care of him (Or at least HELP take care of him). His mother is going to be devastated … as are the rest of us, actually. He’s an integral part of all of our lives. Daddy already lost a wife, plus several siblings and siblings-in-law to cancer. This is so cruel!

Then, Uncle Clay and Daddy noticed that Uncle Cleve was being really ornery and rude, pissing people off left and right. This wasn’t normal behavior, so they decided to confront him and have him hash it out with them so he could feel better. They received more than they’d bargained for: Uncle Cleve is also dying, of cancer.

That’s it. This is three, right? It can stop now?

(For those of you not already in the loop, my friend JP called several days ago and told me he had terminal cancer. A few days later, he took his own life, in order to ensure he died peacefully and placed as little burden as possible upon his family and close friends. He threw a big party, first, and took the time to tell people what they meant to him. Not that I agree with his final method, I think he handled things beautifully. It was still very upsetting.)

If I manage to get a job and a car before Christmas, I’ll be going home in the hopes that both Uncle Cleve and Uncle Roger are still around for me to hug and love on.

Cancer’s a bitch. I want to cut her out of my life, but she keeps coming back.

I often get annoyed with the sensationalism of stories. I get overwhelmed by the way news people harp on a subject day in and day out, beating us up with information that isn’t really “new” or “news.” I especially get irritated when the word “tragedy” is used to describe something that has happened to someone who was doing something they wanted or loved to do, just because it results in their death. In those cases, I feel as though “sad” or “disheartening” are appropriate ways to describe their actions and their death.

Right now, there is a REAL tragedy happening. All across the Gulf, wildlife is being destroyed by the thousands of gallons of oil that are being spilled into the beautiful deep blue green waters many of us have come to know and love. All along the coastline, the soft sugar white sand of our beaches is being coated in an ugly brown, slimy substance. Our wildlife preserves are being destroyed.

Seeing the photos brings a catch to my breath, tears to my eyes. Hearing the stories of those who are trying to rescue every living being possible is enough to send a person into a coma-like depression.

And yet … I rarely hear the word “tragedy” in reference to this disaster. Yes, it is a man-made disaster. Yes, humans are suffering too - our livelihoods are threatened, even more so since the economy had already reduced tourism and small businesses drastically. But it is not for the human race I feel the most sympathy. I feel for the furry, feathery, scaly races. The self-housed, flying, crawling folk. The floating, swimming, burrowing kind. The ones who did not choose, and could not prevent, the oil rig.

The damage that has, is, and will be done to the Gulf, the coastlines, and the beautiful gifts Nature bestowed upon us is tragic.

I had hoped to see big names raising arms in outcry, pulling together to raise money with benefits, and digging in to “git-r-done” (as Larry the Cable Guy would say). I had hoped to see news stories on what could be DONE, how everyone across the nation (and the world) could HELP, and where people could go to AID.

Instead, the focus is on who is to blame, what has been tried, and what isn’t possible. I heard there was a telethon on Larry King Live (I’m unsure - I tried to record it, since I wasn’t home but all I got was a talk show). That’s great. It aired on ONE channel - at least, that’s the only channel I saw the description pop up. What happened to interrupting Primetime TV to bring people together across the nation (and world)? What happened to UNITED?

I’ve done what I can from where I sit in my place in life - which, admittedly, isn’t nearly as much as I’d like. I know others who have done the same. I can only hope that our combined efforts will save some small part of our paradise …

Yesterday was an emotional day for me. I apparently portrayed myself as a crazy person. Honestly, I don’t care what anyone thinks about how I raise my daughter. She’s MY daughter. I get to make the choices, and as long her HER FATHER approves of how I am raising her, I am comfortable with the choices I make.

That said, the comments you can view on yesterday’s post are the ones that came from people who weren’t spending their time ridiculing me and telling me that I am twisting my daughter’s mind and trying to make her a clone of myself. If any of the people who think I’m trying to clone myself knew my daughter, they’d know I would have to give that up as a lost cause immediately, because she’s far more like my sister - which is a good thing. I love that my daughter is independent and yet still trusts me. I raised her that way intentionally. I’m independent, but don’t necessarily trust my parents. It is a sad way to live, but one born of necessity.

I also received emails, text messages, twitter-and-plurk responses, and private messages on FB. I loved most of the responses, and enjoyed the viewpoints all of you shared (as long as you weren’t attacking me - those I ignored).

I honestly don’t “restrict” much of what she sees when she’s WITH me, because I like her being exposed in my presence, so if she has questions or concerns, she can get the answers directly from me. I realized a long time ago that if I planned on letting her have a life, she was going to be exposed to things I thought were too “old” for her, whether I wanted her to be or not. There were certain “kids” movies that I preferred she wait til she was 5 or 6 to see, but she was watching them at her friends’ houses at 3 years old. I didn’t want to introduce horror and creepy sci-fi movies into her life until she was 8 or 9, but my (step)Dad had her addicted to them when she was 5 years old.

She heard White & Nerdy before she heard the original, and it cracked her up. When I told her it was a parody, she asked what that meant, so I showed her a couple of parodies he had done when I was in high school. She enjoyed them, and they made her laugh, so she’s definitely more interested.

What worries me about some of that music is 1) she’s hearing it AWAY from me, so I cannot impart my concerns as she’s being exposed and 2) I do not necessarily think she needs to OWN it just because she’s heard it elsewhere. She spends more time under my or my BFF’s care than any other, so as long as she’s listening to “approved” music during those times, she’s being influenced by positivity more often than not.

We’re all exposed to things that we don’t necessarily think are “good.” We can’t control the world. My only intent is to increase her awareness, surround her more with beauty than destruction, and give her a chance in life to appreciate things that have meaning and spread joy, rather than cause pain and are filled with nonsense.

xoxo

So Rena asked me if she could buy some songs for her iPod. As usual, all music she purchases is subject to pre-approval. I’m wary of a lot of the music that is out there. I stopped listening to the radio years ago because I get sick of hearing about “nigga” this and that, pussy in someone’s face, smoking pot, pulling guns on people, and whatever else people are singing about that makes living a high-rolling, fast-paced lifestyle glamorous and cool.

Up til now, I haven’t been disappointed in the music she listens to … up til now, it was mostly influenced by what I bought, encouraged, or suggested. Even the music she picked up from listening to the radio was fairly innocent and positive. Up til now.

Now, her friends all carry their iPods and THEY are allowed to buy whatever they want - explicit, disgusting, whatever. THEIR parents don’t seem to care. Or maybe they just don’t know. Either way, I’m worried.

The list I got today has thrown me for a loop. One or two of the songs, I recognize. The rest, I decided to look up lyrics to see what they were about, because I knew I wouldn’t enjoy listening to most of it. I looked up the lyrics to three songs, and I am ready to cry.

So, I need help from all of you - friends and strangers alike. I’m going to put the list of songs here … and I’d like for YOU to suggest some music she might enjoy that IS NOT about sex, treating women like shit, doing drugs, or the “gangsta” lifestyle. I know some of these songs are perfectly innocent and acceptable - I just haven’t read all the lyrics yet - but I simply CAN NOT read the lyrics to any more songs today. The three I read, I am NOT allowing her to purchase until she’s 18 and can make the decision for herself. Maybe I’m being a prude here. I don’t care. I was shocked, and I’m upset. Maybe I’ll calm down later … I don’t know.

I have already admitted that I don’t listen to the radio much. Therefore, I know there are probably similar styled artists out there who have music with positive messages and encouraging lyrics. Please help!!

Maybe I’m getting old. Maybe I’m old-fashioned. Maybe I’m just a fucking loser. Whatever. She’s THIRTEEN and doesn’t need to be listening to some of this crap, as far as I’m concerned.

On a side note - I asked her about these songs. She likes them for the music itself, and doesn’t even know most of the lyrics. When I asked her about certain words I’d consider at least somewhat explicit, she didn’t even know what they meant or what they were referring to - they were just words filling up space as far as she was concerned. I know I myself rarely understand what a song is about unless I think about it, and I rarely think about it … although truth be told, I prefer romance sweetness to anything hard or edgy. This being the case, most of what I listen to is far from the degrading crap I read today.

The songs she listed:
Forever Young - Jay-Z
My Chick Bad - Ludacris & Nicki Minaj
Bed Rock - Young Money
Lollipop - Lil Wayne
I Made It (Cash Money Heroes) - Kevin Rudolf
Money to Blow - Birdman
Live Your Life - T.I.
Whatever You Like - T.I.
Baby - Justin Bieber
Low - Flo Rida
Alejandro - Lady Gaga
White & Nerdy - Weird Al Yankovic AND
Ridin’ - Chamillionaire (Weird Al was always benign … is he still? Do I have to worry about his parodies?)
Break Your Heart - Taio Cruz
Alice - Avril Lavigne
Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart - Alicia Keys
Let Me See Your Hips Swing - Savage
Heartbreak Warfare - John Mayer
I Can’t Believe It - T-Pain
I wanna Love You - Akon
Rokstarr album by Taio Cruz (I’ve admittedly never heard of this artist/band … no clue what kind of music is on the album.)
Sex on Fire - Kings of Leon
All the Right Moves - OneRepublic
Collide - Howie Day
Fire Burning - Sean Kingston

Let it Rock - Kevin Rudolf
Tie Me Down - New Boz
American Boy - Estelle
Sexy Bitch - David Guetta (seriously, child???)
Whatever You Like - T.I.
Beautiful - Akon
Love Like This - Natasha Beddingfield
Crush - David Archuleta
If We Ever Meet Again - Timbaland
Collide - Howie Day
Differences - Ginuwine
So Sick - Ne-Yo
Live Your Life - T.I.
Got Money - Lil Wayne
Right Now - Akon
Eenie Meenie - Justin Beiber/Sean Kingston
Can’t Believe It - T-Pain
The Middle - Jimmy Eat World
Troublemaker - Akon & ?
Kiss Me Through the Phone - Soulja Boy
Right Round - Flo Rida
Apologize - One Republic
Your Love Is My Drug Ke$ha
Shadow of the Day - Linkin Park

I’ll Be - Edwin McCain

I didn’t ever think parenting was easy. I just didn’t ever think I’d need to worry over such silly things as MUSIC. Movies, I can watch WITH her and answer her questions, talk about the scenarios …

Music, I don’t always understand … and her prime listening hours are when she’s AWAY from me. When we’re together, we’re typically talking or doing something, and music just isn’t a big part of our lives.

Bah, humbug.

Thanks for any input (either referencing the meaning of THESE songs or suggesting other songs) you offer!

xoxo

I have a friend, Joe (I call him Dr. Joey … but he may not want the world referring to him that way!) whom I have known since high school. He married a lovely lady, Meggan, a couple of years ago (it was a BEAUTIFUL wedding, and I was thrilled to be invited and included in the fun!).

Meggan & Joe recently had a beautiful son, Ashton (April 4th). Unfortunately, they didn’t get to enjoy the first few weeks of his life because he had some very scary things going on. Ashton was transferred to the Birmingham Children’s Hospital the next morning, while poor Meggan was still recovering in the hospital where she delivered. Over the next 2 weeks, I watched their Facebook pages like an eagle, seeing updates about how Ash had thrown up blood, was having “brady” episodes (I’m not sure what they are, and I didn’t ask questions at the time), and about how he needed an endoscopy and echocardiogram.

Little Ashton was finally able to go home on April 19th (YAY!), and everyone breathed a little easier. It wasn’t until today, though, when I saw this update, “took Ashton to the cardiologist today. He was given a clean bill of health and they discontinued his heart monitor and there are no follow up appointments! Yay!” that I felt like I could truly celebrate for Joe & Meggan.

xoxo

Today, my BFF’s daughter is the big oh-five! We’re having a small party for her with the daycare, and a cute little PINK cake! She LOVES pink. She loves pink like it is her JOB. Her room is pink. She has the pink strawberry shortcake bedspread. She likes to wear pink every day! She’s the pinkest pink girl I have met since I met Christy 20+ years ago, and even CHRISTY wasn’t this pink fanatic!

So, Happy birthday, sweet Kaitlyn. We love you and all of your pink princessness, and hope you have the best 5th year EVER!

xoxo

This cake took Christy less than an hour - she’s getting better and better! And Kaitlyn LOVED it. Plus, it was strawberry. YUM!

On another note, yesterday I completed day 2 of the 30D(S)Challenge. I felt great immediately afterward … but then as the day wore on I was increasingly sore. By last night, I couldn’t move. Seriously. I was on my big, comfy chair, I had put away the dinner stuff, cleaned up a little bit … and was going to sit and watch TV for a couple of hours before bed. At about 2 a.m., I realized I was tired … but couldn’t get motivated to move. Every time I tried, my muscles screamed and stabbed me. HARD. So, I relaxed back into the chair, and decided to watch one more show. Then, one more. By then, it was nearly 4:30, and I knew I should get up, so I lay back & closed my eyes, willing myself to gather my strength.

I woke up at 7 a.m. in a very painful, awkward position. Apparently, I had TRIED to curl up into my chair, but my cats had gotten in the way, so I worked myself around them. And got stuck. I got up (slowly, painfully…) and moved to my bed, and promptly passed out, again. I didn’t move til 9 a.m., when my (triplet Mom) friend sent a text to say the babies are sick, and she was on the way to the doc with little Pop (Sophie). I rolled over, grabbed a book I’ve been trying to finish since last month, and read. Until Christy sent a text saying she’d be over soon.

Yes, I know I should have exercised. I couldn’t. Seriously. My muscles are just now loosening up, and it is 3:30 in the afternoon! Tonight, though, when I get home from helping Christy with the daycare, I will Shred it up. And then I think I need to do some extra stretching. In fact, we’re looking for my Yoga DVD now, because I’m stealing it back … yoga should help me loosen up a bit. I hope. I can’t feel like this again tomorrow!

And no, I’m not whining. I’m actually laughing at myself. I’m bummed out that my Shred partner has backed out and is doing other stuff … but I’m still gonna Shred, regardless. I know it is giving me more of a workout than the other things I could be doing, and in the long run, I know I’m going to meet my goals! I just hope tomorrow I don’t feel like such a wimp! *grins*

I hope all of my 30D(S)C partners are exercising, and enjoying their exercise! I know if you’re not used to it, you’re probably hurting too. I also know that if I can do it - and I’m obese and a very lazy person - then you can, too!

xoxo

I cannot tell you how excited I am that some of my friends are participating in this challenge with me! We have grown from 2 definite members to 7, with 3 more potentials! No, it isn’t a huge number of people. That’s okay. My mission was to get ONE person to join in with me and my initial supporter. I’ve surpassed that, and my other friends are excited about the Challenge as well!

My sleep schedule is WAY off, as you all may have noticed. I went to bed about 5 am, woke up at noon, exercised at 2:30-ish. Tomorrow I will have to try to wake up earlier, because I have a standing appointment with BFF (Story time at the library with the Daycare, lunch, and Wal*Mart). I am fairly certain I’ll end up exercising later in the night, but I am hoping I can motivate myself to get it out of the way first thing, instead.

Anyone who wants to join can still take a peek here for the basic information, and send me an email! It doesn’t matter when your 30 days begins, all that matters is that you make the choice and stick to it!

So, I am going to drink some more water, take an Advil so I don’t wake up incredibly sore, curl up on the couch for some TV time, and try to be in bed by about midnight.

Happy Shredding, everyone!

xoxoxo

(Please note, the links below will lead you to 3 different places where you can follow/track/admire the progress of Layers of Love. Check all three out, and follow the one most convenient to you!)

Our Girl Scouts have been active in community service this year, more than previous years. They have “adopted” a local retirement home, and go once a month to do arts and crafts activities with the residents. We love that the girls really enjoy this service, and look forward to it every month.

A few months ago, a friend of mine developed a foundation - Layers of Love - that donates fleece blankets to the Cooper Cancer Institute, where her father is receiving chemotherapy treatments. I knew, immediately, that this is something our girls would be excited about. I cannot think of anyone who hasn’t been close to someone who has been affected by cancer, at the very least. Most of the people I know have been affected directly, if not afflicted themselves.

In 2005, both my (step)Mother and Aunt died of cancer, just months apart.

In 2008, my best friends NEW BORN BABY was diagnosed with cancer.

In each of their fights, I agonized over not being able to do enough, ever, for the person fighting. Nor could I do enough for the family and friends, who were also affected by the pain.

I always wanted to do more, be more, give more … but I did not know how, or where to start, or what to give. I admire people like Adele, who not only WANT to do more, but also put that want into action. She’s incredibly proactive, and I admire her spirit, strength, and capacity to give everyone in her life exactly what they need. I don’t know how she does it, but she is the epitome of ROLE MODEL.

When Adele (my nickname for her) began spreading the word about her foundation, I brought it immediately to my daughter’s GS Troop Leader (who also happens to be my BFF). She was as excited as I, and we immediately began making plans to make blankets with the girls when she officially became Leader (and I, co-Leader).

I began go get a little worried about whether we would be able to make it happen or not, because we kept having to cancel GS meetings due to illnesses, scheduling conflicts, and interference with holidays (mainly, spring break). We became slightly frustrated, but kept the blanket idea at the top of our list. We were determined to not only make blankets for Layers of Love, but also to eventually make MORE blankets to donate to Sacred Heart in Pensacola, where Seralyn (Baby S) received her chemotherapy treatments (and spent the majority of her first year of life).

FINALLY, last week things all fell into place. We had a meeting set up, we needed a craft to complete during said meeting, and the no-sew fleece blanket kits were on sale at the fabric store! We excited made a short day trip down to the next town over, and purchased EIGHT kits. We walked down the aisles, seeing one pattern after another that caught our eye (cheerful, cheerful, cheerful!), picking up one blanket, replacing another, and picking up three more. We finally had to stop ourselves when we hit eight, because we knew we’d also have to budget in shipping, plus we wanted the girls to be able to complete the blankets in one meeting.

Friday, I spent the afternoon doing the prep work for the blankets - matching the two pieces of fabric up back-to-back, cutting the 7″ squares out of the corners, drawing lines for the girls to cut the strips (which they would then tie). I recruited my daughter (who is one of the Girl Scouts) and BFF’s teenage daycare charge to help me, and we managed to get the blanket kits prepped, folded, and packed for the meeting right on time!

The Girl Scouts were then in charge of cutting the strips and tying them together, being careful not to cut any of the strips off, and to match them up properly so the blankets didn’t end up twisted and short!

They all had such a blast with this project, it was a real joy for everyone involved. We were pleased the girls were able to complete all eight blankets, and the girls were pleased that the blankets were going to such a wonderful cause!

Thank you Adele and Layers of Love for providing a way that we can all help, one blanket at a time!

So, a couple of weeks ago, I went with Christy & her daycare kids to the local strawberry fields. Christy takes the kids every year, but this is the first time I was able to go, too. I was especially excited, since I’d recently started flipping through Our Best Bites for recipes, and found this one for Strawberry Freezer Jam. It isn’t their original recipe (although they have many of those), but without seeing this I would not have known how easy it is to make strawberry jam at home, nor would I even have had the idea to do so!

(Quick side note - if you like to cook, or if you are trying to up your kitchen skills with creativity, healthy ideas, or even a few simple go-to tricks, check out Sara & Kate’s website. When I found my way to their website from a link my cousin posted, I spent a few hours just perusing their website when I should have been sleeping!)

Back to the topic at hand.

We had a bus full of people with us (only we brought 3 vehicles): Christy & her children plus her daycare children, her Mom & 2 nephews, and her cousin & her three boys. It was quite the crew! I grabbed a box and took the 4 month old in her car seat, little Ava (nearly 2), and nephew Cole (4), and the middle cousin (2 or 3?). Later, Seralyn joined me, too. I’m not sure how I got the youngins, and as afraid as I was of what they would pick, they did mostly get me ripe-ish, whole-ish berries. In the long run, I was able to use most of what was in my box.

One of my pretties:

We had a great afternoon, picking berries. Then, we got the kids fresh strawberry yogurt (they make it on site), and Christy & I ate strawberry shortcakes (the cake is also made on site). Everything was amazingly delicious, and it was a WONDERFUL afternoon! We were even able to do it on a day that all of the elementary school-age children had an early-release day, so we had the whole gang with us!

This was my box:

That weekend, Rena and I sat down and started cleaning berries. We washed them, cut the stems off, then cut off any areas that looked bruised or had lumps. We piled them up into an 8-cup batter bowl, a 16-cup serving bowl, and an 8-cup serving bowl. We had A LOT of strawberries! (YUM!)

Just 1/4 of our catch:

At this point, I sent Rena off to do other things because our kitchen is tiny, and I cannot stand to have more than one person in there at a time. I got started mashing our berries. I was very upset to discover that I didn’t have a potato masher (I have since purchased one, but that is a post for another day), so I had to get creative. I also do not have any fancy kitchen gadgets, like a food processor. So, I mashed some berries with a fork. Others, I dropped into my Magic Bullet (I have found the MB doesn’t get any of my blended items as smooth as I’d like, so I figured it would be perfect for leaving my berries lumpy). The berries I ended up with were juicier than Kate’s from OBB, but I decided to run with it anyway. After all, she’s already talented in the kitchen. I’m still learning.

My berry mash:

I measured out 4 cups of sugar for each of the two batches of strawberry jam I was making, and folded it into the berries.

Then, I mixed the pectin and water over the stove,

… and added it to the mixture.

I divvied each batch into 4 medium-sized containers, then labeled them carefully.

After a full day in the kitchen, I had 10 containers of strawberry stuffs. We let it “set” til the next day, then started distributing to a few people, telling them to put it in the freezer for a few days before eating it. I have only a couple left, for me and Christy; they’re waiting in the freezer til either of us runs out of our store-bought jam/jelly.

I found that some of the containers “set” better than others - even within the same batch. Odd. Personally, I’m not too worried about it being a little extra moist - I plan to use at least one batch, maybe two, in a secret project for Christy’s birthday next month. It’s another recipe I found on Our Best Bites, and I’m SUPER EXCITED to be making it for her. But Christy reads my blog now, so I can’t tell you what it is until I’ve made it for her! *grins*

Next time I decide to get this ambitious, I won’t refrigerate my berries first. I’ll have to make sure I pick them earlier in the day so I can bring them straight in and crush them while they’re still warm from the sun. I’ll also have my potato masher to help out, so they shouldn’t get quite so juicy. Maybe then ALL of my containers will “set” properly. Then again, maybe not. I’m not exactly talented in the kitchen.

Have YOU ever made strawberry freezer jam? What about any other kind of freezer jam? Do you - or have you - canned/jarred your own foods the traditional way? How did you get started, and why do you continue (or not continue)?

xoxo

Yes, I know this sounds overly dramatic. I seriously thought I was going to be beaten to a pulp tonight. My heart is *still* racing, but not from fear. My adrenaline kicked in and I was going to fight that man to the death, in my nightgown, on my doorstep.

So, for the last few nights, my neighbors have been seriously freaking loud. Slamming doors, screaming in the hallways, crying loudly in the corridor outside my door. My daughter kept asking me to go see what was up, and I told her no - I wasn’t going to butt into the neighbors’ business. Maybe they were going through some tough times, maybe they have hot tempers. I was young and pregnant once. I have a **very** hot temper. I am MEAN and LOUD when I am angry.

Tonight, after one a.m. this time, there is banging on the door AGAIN. Only this time it sounds like my apartment door. I race to the door, wondering if they’ve actually hurt one another and the 19 yo pregnant girl is standing on my stoop for help. My heart pounding, I wrestle the deadbolt and yank the door open … just in time to see her throw her food and purse down on her OWN doorstep, and slam the door after she walked in, screaming at her boyfriend.

What. The. Eff.

Ok, NOW it has gone too far. This is too much. I stand there, contemplating. Do I knock on their door? Do I reach back inside for my phone, call the police? Suddenly, the young man comes out.

“I’m so sorry. She’s been acting so crazy. I know we have been loud tonight, but she is just … she is just being a crazy woman. I didn’t know what to do. I was going to ignore it, then she went out and threw eggs at my car - at my CAR! So, I locked her out. I know I shouldn’t have, but I did.”

Oh for goodness sake!

So I say, “Look, dude. She’s young. She’s pregnant. I don’t know what she was like BEFORE she got pregnant, but this isn’t good for her, OR the baby. You need to take a walk and calm down when she starts acting like this. You two need to learn to talk, and work it out. You’ve been disturbing my child all week. Now this? Now I’m pissed. You’ve been waking my kid up from a sound sleep with this nonsense. Please, just tone it down. I know it’s rough, I know you’re wondering what the heck you got yourself into. Please, just TONE IT DOWN.”

He says, “Hush.”

WHAT?

“Hush. You need to tone it down lady.”

Dude, I’m not even raising my voice yet. You want to see me un-toned down, you better prepare yourself.

“Hush. You don’t need to be cussing at me.”

CUSSING? I did not say one single curse word. Not only did I NOT cuss at you, I haven’t even raised my voice or used my MOMMY tone on you.

“Hush. You said ‘pissed.’ You don’t need to use that kind of language with me.”

Ok, maybe he’s a zealot of some sort. Whatever. So I say, “Ok, then I was ANGRY. And NOW, I am going to get loud. It is after one in the morning, and I do not need to be outside in this corridor having this conversation with you. I tried to treat you like an adult and do this quietly, but my next step will be to call the cops. I refuse to deal with this.”

“Call the cops, you fat fucking cow. Call them. See where that gets you.”

Dude, I know I’m fat. Calling me that, doesn’t hurt me. I’ve been called worse. You’re just telling the truth. And now YOU are cursing at me. So I’m going to walk inside quietly before this blows up.

That man steps up to me, looks down on me two inches from my face and starts SCREAMING at me. His arms are flailing all over the place. His face is red, the veins are popping out of his forehead, his eyes are bulging.

Fuck. No.

STEP THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE YOU STUPID BASTARD, BEFORE I GET REAL MEAN. BACK THE FUCK OFF NOW, OR WE WILL HAVE A REAL PROBLEM. You think you scare me? You don’t scare me. You PISS ME OFF. I’ve been beat by bigger, meaner, uglier assholes than you, and YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SCARE ME WITH THIS SHOW. YOU want to hit me? HIT ME! I’ll get up and BEAT YOUR MOTHER FUCKING ASS! You twerp!

“You can’t yell at me, you fat fucker! You get your fat ass back in your door and step off of me! I’m not going to hit you! What’s wrong with you?”

Ok, you’re not gonna hit me? Fine. Back off onto YOUR doorstep. It’s only two feet away. We’ll continue TALKING about this. Don’t wake my kid up, or we’re going to have an issue whether you calm down or not.

“Bring your shithead out here. I’ll kick him in the face.”

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY? Are you out of your FUCKING MIND? You’re THREATENING MY CHILD?

“I’ll kill your fucking child, you fat fuck!”

NOW I’m calling the police, you fucking hothead. Get into your apartment and shut the door. Back the fuck out of my space. Good night.

I walk inside, and I’m scrambling around looking for my phone. I ALWAYS have my phone in my hand - what the hell did I do to it? I’m just considering going in my daughter’s room and grabbing hers, when a polite knock sounds on the door. I holler, “Come in - it’s open!” because I think it is the girlfriend, who has been pleading with him this whole time to get away from me and to calm down before the cops come and they get kicked out. I’m thinking she’s coming to try and smooth it over, but I’m too pissed to deal with her. I see my phone, and walk over to it as the guy comes in, tears in his eyes, suddenly looking defeated.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I would NEVER hurt anyone. I get angry and I mouth off, and I do it all the time. I’m so sorry. I swear I would never hurt anyone.”

Are you kidding me? You threatened my CHILD. Dude, you could have beat me to a pulp and I would have fought you tooth and nail. You could have stayed in my face screaming all night and I’d scream right back. YOU THREATENED MY CHILD! Are you fucking KIDDING ME? I tried to have a polite conversation with you, and you turn it into this nasty all-out scream-fest. You get in my face to threaten me, because you THINK it will scare me and back me down, and then you THREATEN MY CHILD when I won’t turn tail and run?

“I’m so sorry ma’am. I didn’t mean any of it. You’re not really fat. If you’re fat, I’m fat too (he’s not thin, but he’s muscular and THICK - enough to scare most people). I seriously, I just run off at the mouth. I do it all the time, it always gets me in trouble. I’m so sorry. I don’t even know what your kid looks like - I would NEVER hurt your kid. I swear.”

By now, I’ve calmed down. His friend, who had been trying to pull him out of my face, trying to get him to go inside through the whole argument in the hall, had walked in behind him. He was apologizing profusely through the whole situation, but I hadn’t looked twice at him. The friend (who I now see has a ROCKIN bod) was of no concern to me - the noise my neighbors were making, and the safety of their unborn child was what I was worried about. Anyway, he walked in apologizing. While the neighbor-guy was apologizing, so was the friend, saying “I know this is a really awful first impression, but I swear he’s just a hothead, he’s never hurt anyone.” The two of them apologizing together had cooled my temper. I was thinking straight again.

I looked at my neighbor, “Don’t you EVER, for ANY reason, threaten a child again. EVER. If anything happens to my daughter, it will be YOUR ass I come looking for, I don’t care WHEN it happens. Threatening a child is a good way to get yourself hurt. It’s a good way to get your ass thrown in jail. It’ll piss me off, it’ll piss my friends and family off. It’ll piss off YOUR friends and family. It isn’t cool, it isn’t okay. EVER. I don’t know what y’all have going on over there. I don’t care. She’s a crazy pregnant lady - FINE! You have NO IDEA what it’s like being pregnant. Things heat up, TAKE A WALK. Calm down, go back and work it out. You have a CHILD at stake here. For the sake of the rest of your life, you have to learn to work with it. Period. Threatening me, my child, or the world won’t fix that. YOU need to man up, take a step back, and fix what’s wrong WITH her. Not stand opposing to her. GROW UP. It’s time. YOU are about to BE A DAD. You need help, fine - I’m next door. ASK FOR HELP. But don’t be all drama-queen-and-king over there, slamming doors, screaming, crying, fighting in the parking lot and in our breezeway. Don’t be disturbing MY family. DO NOT THREATEN MY LOVED ONES. I’ve lived a worse life than you could imagine. You do not scare me. You threaten the ones I love, THAT scares me. It scares me for a split second, and then it PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF. I know what it is like to be young and pregnant and starting out. I’m old and fat now, but I wasn’t always so. I had my kid at 20, I kicked my ex-husband out at 21 because he couldn’t man up. I raised my child for almost 14 years on my own. I’ve been through it ALL. I know how hard it is. Again. You need help, ask. I’ll try to help. Don’t disturb my family again, though. Period.You get your shit together and be a good neighbor, guess what - **I** will be a good neighbor. Continue to be a shitty neighbor, I’ll call the cops. You officially overstepped the boundaries. Threatening a child is NEVER okay. There’s nothing bad about children. What makes children bad is adults doing shit like you just did. THAT is how they grow up into shitty adults. You need to make a happy home for your kid. If you’re the father, you’re going to have to work with her for a LONG time. As long as your child is alive. GET USED TO IT and do it right. And, just so you know - my friends will know about this, and you’re my ONLY next door neighbor, so my friends will know where to point the cops if anything happens to me and my child. OR my pets.”

He had tears in his eyes the whole time. His girlfriend walked in towards the tail-end of it. I looked at her and said, “YOU need to chill the heck out. This isn’t good for you OR that baby.” She says, “I know, she hasn’t moved since this all started.”

Then she asks if I called the cops. Nope, I didn’t even know where my phone was when I came in, I was so pissed off (I’d walked by it four times - blind to it for a reason, I’m sure). She says they’re in the parking lot, and she’s scared. I go out, look around, come back into my apartment and tell them there’s no cops. Go home, chill out, work it out - QUIETLY.

They ask if they can have us over to dinner sometime and start fresh.

*sigh*

I would not be 19 again if you paid me. I was 20 when I had Rena. I turned 21 six weeks later. That was rough enough.

Oh, hell. I just ran and checked the door because I heard someone banging on it. It’s the cops. Next door. Now, I am a *little* worried they’ll think I called the cops.

I sure hope this is the last of it.

I know people who talk about being friendless. Most know they have shortcomings, issues, turnoffs. I still do not understand the concept of not having at least *one* good friend. These people become so lonely they allow themselves to be mistreated by the people who DO come into their lives. It breaks my heart, because they are willing to accept this abuse (mental/emotional/physical) in exchange for feeling loved at least some of the time. I have a hard time not smacking these people around, because I know what it is like to be a difficult person despite your every attempt to be “normal.” I am one of those people who is so difficult, it almost seems it isn’t worth being around me. Unless you *really* get to know me, and can ignore my moodiness.

If you are in a relationship (marriage, friendship, whatever) that relies on you accepting abuse in order to receive some sort of affection, PLEASE move on! You deserve more than this. You deserve to find a person to fill that void WITHOUT hurting you in return. Find a way to accept who you are, love who you are, and work around your shortcomings.

Do not devalue yourself. And certainly don’t allow anyone else to devalue you. Ask my best friend: I am not an easy person to love. But the love I give far outweighs the energy it takes to accept my shortcomings. If I can have a healthy friendship, so can you.

xoxo

Tonight, I had a long conversation with a friend. She called to talk to me about how a mutual friend (who is about to make a mess out of his life if he isn’t careful) carelessly hurt her with something he said. Despite the “reason” for her call, I felt like there was more beneath the surface. She is this amazingly creative, eccentric person. Despite the hardships in her life, the things she is even now working through, the phrase Joie de vivre always reminds me of her. She has friends who “get” her, who can finish her sentences, banter with her using movie or song quotes, or have a completely off-the-wall conversation with her. When I witness these things, and as much as I love her and understand certain aspects of her, I often wonder what keeps us connected - however tenuously.

Then, we have a conversation like tonight’s. We touched on a couple of the things that were weighing on her mind, we laughed, we vented, we reminisced. We discussed ideas and issues within ourselves. We *connected.*

However tenuous our friendship may seem sometimes, we’re connected by our history. That history includes love, loss, anger, sadness, celebrations, failures, pain, blessings, wrongdoings, and everything else life encompasses. Our greatest gift to each other is our ability to love. Each other. I do not think either of us has done anything to one another to cause pain. Our friendship was more a victim of how we interacted with others, and the things we did in those other parts of our lives. (Then again, maybe I did do something, and do not remember it … if I did, she’ll have to tell me one day, so I can apologize properly. I remember a lot of my wrongdoings, but I’m sure I’ve blocked a few of them out … I am always surprised by things -good and bad- that other people remember about me.)

Something that (happily) surprises me whenever we *do* talk is that we fall into an easy flow of conversation that both could last forever and comes to a natural close. A lot of this has to do with her amazing ability to entertain. A good deal also has to do with us being comfortable talking about things, even when it would seem uncomfortable with another person.

I have also discovered something else about myself while becoming reacquainted with this friend: I chose well when I chose my core group of friends, even though I chose them in elementary, middle, and high school. The same friends I chose then are the friends I now look forward to interacting with the most. In realizing this, I am comfortable with decisions I make for myself, no matter how far they take me from the ideal my family would like for me to fulfill. I know myself better than they do, no matter how much they love me.

I may be destitute by some standards. The standards I measure my wealth by, however, have been shattered by my successes.

For my friend, a reminder of our conversation tonight:
~Friendships and relationships waver and strengthen. Hold on to the ones that matter, let the rest drift away.
~You cannot control the changes in life. You cannot control how people react to those changes.
~YOU are the most important factor in any equation with which YOU are involved. Accept your own decisions, choices, and actions. Do not accept blame for the parts anyone else played.
~The people closest to you accept you for who you are, love you for being that person, and allow you to blossom within yourself. Thank them by continuing to be the best you possible: ensure you have small doses of those things you need (fulfill that wanderlust!) so the need to go crazy doesn’t have a chance to develop.

And, most of all, thank you for reaching out to me tonight. I needed the conversation as much as you, even though I didn’t realize it.

xoxo

Make new friends,
but keep the old.
One is silver,
the other is gold.

Tonight is a perfect example of why I think my friendship with Christy is a true example of soul mates. Early Saturday morning, she woke up with an odd numbness to her face. She felt fine, otherwise, so she didn’t stress it. Later, I noticed that the whole lower half of her face had gone slack and was swollen. It freaked me out a little bit, but I checked her lymph nodes (normal), vision (normal - she met my eyes, didn’t sway, etc), speech (normal), and balance (normal - for her ;)). I suggested she take motrin/advil to help with the swelling, then talk to her husband later in the evening and ask him what could have caused the swelling and numbness.

Fast forward through a crazy day (delivering cookies, cleaning up after kids, Blue & Gold ceremony for Christian, etc) to when Billy meets us at the B/G ceremony. She pulls him aside and tells him what happened, and he gets upset at us because she didn’t go into the ER or mention the symptoms earlier. He’s a medic - works the ambulance and the life flight - so he’s always immediately on top of anything medical. We discuss it a little with him, explain why we didn’t see any reason to treat it as an emergency, and moved on.

A couple of hours later, after we had all gone home, Billy did some research, and Christy mentioned that her cheek/jaw area still felt odd, they called me and we all headed into the ER.

Billy had a rough couple of days (he was just coming off of a 36 hr shift), so he was tired, stressed, and really just wanted to be in bed, sleeping. He was grumpy, moody, and bitching about everything. Not in a mean way … just venting, blowing steam.

Christy and I, on the other hand, had our books out, reading. In between character conversations scene descriptions, we were cracking jokes and antagonizing Billy. We’d set our books aside briefly to interact with him, but mostly we read and made wisecracks.

Despite the fact that we were ALL exhausted, despite the fact that Billy and I were very worried about Christy, and despite the fact that NONE of us wanted to end our day in the ER, it was a GREAT night. We laughed more in that three hours than we did all day long.

That’s right, folks. Christy and I can turn even a hospital trip into a party! THAT is a tride-and-true friendship. A match made in heaven. Soul mates.

I have the greatest best friend in the world.

Oh yeah - Christy is fine. She has a polyp or something in her maxillary something or other, and will need to follow up with an ENT to have it removed/tested. She was given meds tonight, and a prescription to fill tomorrow. Everything else looked good, except she was dehydrated. The surgery won’t be fun, but she’ll make it through.  Keep her in your prayers, or send a few positive thoughts her way.

xoxo

I love when someone shares a quote and it happens to fit my views exactly. My cousin Marianne posted this quote on FB yesterday.

“Waking up this morning, I smile. Twenty-four brand new hours are before me. I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.”

~Thich Nhat Hanh

I know many of us are facing turmoil in our lives right now. Our choices today affect our chances tomorrow. Choose happiness in your life, daily. Face each morning (or afternoon/evening … whenever YOU awake from slumber) with a smile, a mental hug, and the determination to make TODAY the best day it can be. If something happens to set you off track, do your best to begin again with a new smile, an extra hug, and refreshed determination.

xoxo

Last week, my sister was informed that her contract would not be honored. She is a teacher, in Georgia. I know she loves what she does, and she’s excited about teaching still. I certainly hope things turn around soon, or something opens up for her.

I am concerned about her, because unlike me, she’s a planner. She likes things to be lined up, ready to go. She has an agenda, and knows her next step. She doesn’t like change to be imposed upon her. I know she’s worried about how things will work out from here. I know she’ll find *something* to do, and I know she’ll throw herself into it full-force, making it the best job in the world.

What scares me the most about this has nothing to do with the actual crisis our economy is facing. I know, firsthand, that the job market is not picking up, that the economic crisis is not yet over. I have faced hardship and struggle unlike anything I could have ever expected. Knowing it firsthand did not concern me nearly as much as watching teachers all over the country being laid off.

Why, you ask? Because our parents always told us if we became teachers our jobs would always be secure. Funny how something so simple can affect a person all the way down to their core. There are times when I love proving my parents wrong. This is *not* one of those times!