Random Thoughts and Musings

Tonight, I had a long conversation with a friend. She called to talk to me about how a mutual friend (who is about to make a mess out of his life if he isn’t careful) carelessly hurt her with something he said. Despite the “reason” for her call, I felt like there was more beneath the surface. She is this amazingly creative, eccentric person. Despite the hardships in her life, the things she is even now working through, the phrase Joie de vivre always reminds me of her. She has friends who “get” her, who can finish her sentences, banter with her using movie or song quotes, or have a completely off-the-wall conversation with her. When I witness these things, and as much as I love her and understand certain aspects of her, I often wonder what keeps us connected - however tenuously.

Then, we have a conversation like tonight’s. We touched on a couple of the things that were weighing on her mind, we laughed, we vented, we reminisced. We discussed ideas and issues within ourselves. We *connected.*

However tenuous our friendship may seem sometimes, we’re connected by our history. That history includes love, loss, anger, sadness, celebrations, failures, pain, blessings, wrongdoings, and everything else life encompasses. Our greatest gift to each other is our ability to love. Each other. I do not think either of us has done anything to one another to cause pain. Our friendship was more a victim of how we interacted with others, and the things we did in those other parts of our lives. (Then again, maybe I did do something, and do not remember it … if I did, she’ll have to tell me one day, so I can apologize properly. I remember a lot of my wrongdoings, but I’m sure I’ve blocked a few of them out … I am always surprised by things -good and bad- that other people remember about me.)

Something that (happily) surprises me whenever we *do* talk is that we fall into an easy flow of conversation that both could last forever and comes to a natural close. A lot of this has to do with her amazing ability to entertain. A good deal also has to do with us being comfortable talking about things, even when it would seem uncomfortable with another person.

I have also discovered something else about myself while becoming reacquainted with this friend: I chose well when I chose my core group of friends, even though I chose them in elementary, middle, and high school. The same friends I chose then are the friends I now look forward to interacting with the most. In realizing this, I am comfortable with decisions I make for myself, no matter how far they take me from the ideal my family would like for me to fulfill. I know myself better than they do, no matter how much they love me.

I may be destitute by some standards. The standards I measure my wealth by, however, have been shattered by my successes.

For my friend, a reminder of our conversation tonight:
~Friendships and relationships waver and strengthen. Hold on to the ones that matter, let the rest drift away.
~You cannot control the changes in life. You cannot control how people react to those changes.
~YOU are the most important factor in any equation with which YOU are involved. Accept your own decisions, choices, and actions. Do not accept blame for the parts anyone else played.
~The people closest to you accept you for who you are, love you for being that person, and allow you to blossom within yourself. Thank them by continuing to be the best you possible: ensure you have small doses of those things you need (fulfill that wanderlust!) so the need to go crazy doesn’t have a chance to develop.

And, most of all, thank you for reaching out to me tonight. I needed the conversation as much as you, even though I didn’t realize it.

xoxo

Make new friends,
but keep the old.
One is silver,
the other is gold.

Tonight is a perfect example of why I think my friendship with Christy is a true example of soul mates. Early Saturday morning, she woke up with an odd numbness to her face. She felt fine, otherwise, so she didn’t stress it. Later, I noticed that the whole lower half of her face had gone slack and was swollen. It freaked me out a little bit, but I checked her lymph nodes (normal), vision (normal - she met my eyes, didn’t sway, etc), speech (normal), and balance (normal - for her ;)). I suggested she take motrin/advil to help with the swelling, then talk to her husband later in the evening and ask him what could have caused the swelling and numbness.

Fast forward through a crazy day (delivering cookies, cleaning up after kids, Blue & Gold ceremony for Christian, etc) to when Billy meets us at the B/G ceremony. She pulls him aside and tells him what happened, and he gets upset at us because she didn’t go into the ER or mention the symptoms earlier. He’s a medic - works the ambulance and the life flight - so he’s always immediately on top of anything medical. We discuss it a little with him, explain why we didn’t see any reason to treat it as an emergency, and moved on.

A couple of hours later, after we had all gone home, Billy did some research, and Christy mentioned that her cheek/jaw area still felt odd, they called me and we all headed into the ER.

Billy had a rough couple of days (he was just coming off of a 36 hr shift), so he was tired, stressed, and really just wanted to be in bed, sleeping. He was grumpy, moody, and bitching about everything. Not in a mean way … just venting, blowing steam.

Christy and I, on the other hand, had our books out, reading. In between character conversations scene descriptions, we were cracking jokes and antagonizing Billy. We’d set our books aside briefly to interact with him, but mostly we read and made wisecracks.

Despite the fact that we were ALL exhausted, despite the fact that Billy and I were very worried about Christy, and despite the fact that NONE of us wanted to end our day in the ER, it was a GREAT night. We laughed more in that three hours than we did all day long.

That’s right, folks. Christy and I can turn even a hospital trip into a party! THAT is a tride-and-true friendship. A match made in heaven. Soul mates.

I have the greatest best friend in the world.

Oh yeah - Christy is fine. She has a polyp or something in her maxillary something or other, and will need to follow up with an ENT to have it removed/tested. She was given meds tonight, and a prescription to fill tomorrow. Everything else looked good, except she was dehydrated. The surgery won’t be fun, but she’ll make it through.  Keep her in your prayers, or send a few positive thoughts her way.

xoxo

I love when someone shares a quote and it happens to fit my views exactly. My cousin Marianne posted this quote on FB yesterday.

“Waking up this morning, I smile. Twenty-four brand new hours are before me. I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.”

~Thich Nhat Hanh

I know many of us are facing turmoil in our lives right now. Our choices today affect our chances tomorrow. Choose happiness in your life, daily. Face each morning (or afternoon/evening … whenever YOU awake from slumber) with a smile, a mental hug, and the determination to make TODAY the best day it can be. If something happens to set you off track, do your best to begin again with a new smile, an extra hug, and refreshed determination.

xoxo

So often in my life, I am surprised by the love and kindness displayed around me, towards me, and even by me. I grew up in a world where I was taught to believe everyone had a motive, and I should too. I dislike the negative things that make people human, but I choose to believe that there are more good than bad people in the world.

I have been touched by so many people in my life, it is overwhelming. Whether it be a kind word from a stranger in a post I make on a social network, or a bear hug by an old friend, or even a phone call or text message from someone who is thinking of me but with whom I have not spoken in a while, I have found the “good” in thousands of people in my life.

Today is a day that commercially is about who gets the most candy or biggest diamond. It is a day that most people view as being for lovers to profess their emotions.

I am choosing to make it a day to focus on telling people what they mean to me, or how happy they make me. This is not all-inclusive. I could not possibly include everyone who has filled my heart.

For my best friend: I am *not* an easy person to be around. Even when I am not upset, most people think I am snapping or barking orders. She knows me, and (usually) knows the difference between my being upset and my just being me. She’s also the one person who truly knows the lengths I will go for the people I love. She herself has gone beyond most people’s greatest length to support and love me. I think we make a great team, and I love her more than she’ll ever know.

Luckily, her husband is tolerant of our friendship. Over the years, he and I have also developed a friendship outside of “my wife’s best friend” or “my best friend’s husband.” He knows I’ll be there for him, too, and that I do not choose sides when they differ in opinion. He has come to me from time to time, knowing I’ll tell him what I think and not just what I think Christy wants him to hear. I’m glad we were able to come to this place, and I love him dearly. Not only for what he is to my best friend, their children, and my daughter. But also for the person he is, and the friendship we have.

My sister is an incredible woman. I remember when she was young, how ornery and demanding she was. I remember people asking me if I was jealous of her because not only was she beautiful, but she had a great relationship with our parents (unlike me). I also remember that while jealous might have flared up from time to time, it never lasted more than a minute. I loved her too much to be spiteful over anything she had or achieved - I always knew she deserved every bit of it. I was in my 20’s before I realized how much she looked up to me. We were separated a few years by family strife, and when I was welcomed back into my parents’ home, we began to talk again. She would ask my advice and talk to me about what she was thinking, feeling, and doing. I loved those late nights, snuggled up in her big bed, laying awake way past when our parents would approve, whispering so as not to get caught. I was already a mother, and we had lost our brother. We are so completely different, and yet fundamentally the same. I love when I find a similarity, because it renews my knowledge that we are sisters, despite my feeling so removed from her. I may be *much* older than her, but I will forever look up to her. She is the woman I know our parents intended both of us to be, but she accepts me for who I am even though she may not approve of the choices I make.

Friends who stick around. I made a friend when I was stationed in Jacksonville who has taught me a lot about myself, about life, and about how much I truly enjoy life. He and his family brought things out in me that I didn’t know existed. I love that even when I can only show up at midnight and stay until morning, they welcome me home. We stay up and talk, and then I wake in the morning to continue on my way and stop in the next time I’m in town. If I had traveling money, they’d be first on my list for a weekend trip with Lil Lady. We love visiting with them, and we love that they are just as much family as my BFF & her family.

My daughter, who I love with every fiber of my being, brings out the best and worst in me. She challenges me and forces me to rise to the occasion, all without realizing she’s even doing so. She brings sunshine into my life and reminds me why I choose a life of struggle over one of financial ease. I was always told, “One day you’ll have a child and you’ll understand.” I *do* have a child, but I *do not* understand. I am thrilled to know that I had the where-with-all to “break the cycle” and do things differently. Mostly, I am grateful to be her mother.

My “social network” friends, who are as friends as friends can be. They may not be physically close, but they are just as much a part of my life and my heart as they would be if they lived next door. They challenge me, inspire me, support me, and love me. They are kind, loving, generous, opinionated, funny, sarcastic, open-minded, accepting, and beautiful. I have had the great pleasure of meeting a few of them in person, and have not once been disappointed in what I find once we’re face-to-face. I can be myself with them, and not worry about being judged. I know that if they did not *want* to be on the other side of that window/page/timeline, all they have to do is click “remove” or “delete.” I know we are connected not by accident, but by choice. I love them for the quality they bring to my life, quirks and quills alike.

I was blessed with more than two parents. I have not always viewed it as a blessing, but even as a child, I usually knew I was lucky. I love each of my parents for who they are and what they bring to my life. They are all unique, and have different methods of communication and parenting. Each of them formed me into the person I am today, and I am grateful for their love and guidance. They are all beautiful people - complete with faults. What I consider my greatest gift is being able to see the intent behind their actions and love them even more.

I have been reconnecting with a few friends from my past lately. I’m really enjoying this, especially the few fun night’s I’ve had with one in particular. One of those nights, we went through old photos from high school and relived those memories. The laughter was beautiful, and the stories we each remembered were touching. I love that someone I chose to love way back when is someone I can still love today. Time holds no barriers: this is the test of true friendship, IMO.

The last person I will specify doesn’t read this blog. He barely knows I exist anymore. However, I love him with my whole heart and I wish things could have been different. I needed something from him … and he needed something from me … and both of us needed it before we could make the move we wanted to make. It is much more complex than that, but the fact is: I love him, and would have given the world for him, if he could have only told me he loved me. We still talk now and then, via text. I love those short conversations. Maybe there will be another chance in the future. If not, anyone else in my life has a lot to measure up to …

Thank you all for helping to make my life one that I love!!

xoxox

So, my BFF, the kids, and my friend Kristine got their wish: it snowed in NW FL. Unfortunately, Kristine was at work in a part of the area that did *not* get snow (sorry honey), but I took a few pictures of the moist white stuff that floated down from the sky.

No, it isn’t anything spectacular compared to an area that sees real snow. Keep in mind - it is only blog-worthy because it only happens a time or two each decade. The last time I remember seeing snow here was in 1990, but it was a very light dusting, didn’t even float all the way to the ground. However, in 1989, when I first moved back from England, we had a light snow very similar to today’s.

Click HERE to see what our excitement was all about.

(For the record, I was *not* excited … but it turned out to be a very light snow, and stuck around even less time than I feared, so I was quite comfortable.)

Mom would smack me if she knew I was outside in bare feet, a strappy tank top, and a skirt. LOL No, not even SNOW can make this FL gyrl put on more clothes!

xoox

Tonight, my BFf hosted a birthday party for me. Her sister, June Cleaver, her brother (my boss/M), and their mother were all there (along with June Cleaver’s two boys & BFF’s four kids). We had a spaghetti dinner (nummies!), complete with garlic bread, salad, and sweet tea.

We opened presents (ok, I did) - June Cleaver & her two boys got me a necklace/earring set. C got me a necklace that says ‘angel” in English & Chinese (from China in Disneyworld). Mama got me the box set of the first four Janette Oke movies. Or, the movies made from her books. LiL K made me a birthday card … she drew a princess, a girl, and wrote my name (or, yanno, something that was meant to be my name ;)).

After presents, I was presented with my cake. BFF worked all afternoon on it - a chocolate cake with homemade chocolate icing. She had put flowers on the cake to decorate it, and she’d put a basket weave pattern all around the edges. Delicious, beautiful, perfect.

After cake, we played Trivia Pursuit. I think I answered two things. My team member, thankfully, is a genius with random knowledge, and we won. WOOT! (Go, M! You rock!)

The game finally ended about 10:30, and we were all exhausted … so then we came home. And, like a good lil Devyl Gyrl, I logged on immediately to tell you all about it.

xoxo

So, after my dream the other night, I had snakes on the brain. Real snakes, people, this is no euphemism! LOL

I remember the first run-in with a snake I (indirectly) had. I was young-is, 8 maybe? I had seen snakes before, but they were all in the distance, or non-poisonous, or behind glass where I could admire them without danger.

This particular day, though, my grandmother’s dog, Prissy, would *not* let me go inside. I couldn’t figure out why she was being so obstinate about letting me through the carport to get to the door. I decided to walk around to the front door, but she wouldn’t let me near that one, either. Finally, I started banging on the side of the trailer-portion of the house, trying to get someone’s attention. When nobody answered, I walked around the back, to where my grandfather had built on a two-room addition. I banged on the window, and told my grandparents and parents that I couldn’t get inside. My (step) dad tried to come out the door, but Prissy threw herself against it, and started barking furiously. Suddenly, she swung around and faced inside the carport, barking and growling and lying low to the ground. I tried to walk up behind her, and she swung around to me, snapped, and then swung back around and lunged at something. I heard her yelp, and screamed for my (step)dad and grandfather to come out and help. They looked under the trailer portion of the house, both of them rearing back suddenly and swearing, rushing inside and grabbinbg guns. My grandfather was hollering for my grandmother to call Mr. Jimmy from next door and the neighbor from across the street, and for everyone to bring their guns.

My (step)dad hollered at me to go across the street immediately. This whole time, Prissy is barking furiously and lunging at something under the trailer. I get across the street, and Miss Angie drags me in the house and slams the door just as she shoves her husband’s gun into his hand and tells him to run. I hear three shots a few moments later, and the phone rings - it is my Mom, telling me I can come home.

I rush back, excited to see what was happening, and see Prissy lying in the driveway, my grandfather and grandmother crying over her, my mom hysterical on the phone with someone, and my (step)father trying to calm everyone down so he can look at her. I screamed at them, asking who shot her. They all stopped what they were doing (except my (step)father, who was working furiously over Prissy still) and then pointed to the carport. I looked, and in front of my grandfather’s car, I see a HUGE ASS FREAKIN SNAKE.

Turns out, a diamond-back rattler had slithered out of the woods and under the house. Prissy had been trying to keep me safe (and my family, too, when they walked out), and had decided to stand down the snake rather than let him at me. She was bit twice, in the ear.

Mom was apparently on the phone with the vet, who was out of town. He directed her to an emergency vet, and she hopped in the car with Prissy and my (step)father (who was still trying to keep her alive), and off they raced. She died, twice.

Luckily, she was revived both times. They had to medicate her, keep her overnight, and give her bulldog blood in and emergency transfusion because she had bled out so much. She, literally, fought to her death. If my (step)father hadn’t been breathing for her and doing chest compressions, she would not have made it - he kept shocking her heart and kept the oxygen in her system. She was technically dead before they even left to go to the vet.

While my parents took Prissy to the vet, my grandfather took me over to the snake. I was hysterical, because Prissy was dead (this is before we found out she would be okay), and he told me he loved her, but was happy she was there to protect me and take the bite, because he would have never forgiven himself if the snake had gotten to me.

I was heartbroken until my (step)father called to tell me the vet saved Prissy. She was deaf in her left ear, and went blind in her left eye a couple of years later, but lived for another few years (she was old when this happened - at least as old as me, but I think older).

That rattlesnake was more than 6 feet long. It was beautiful, but I could not see the beauty that day … it was not until later, after it was skinned (for a belt/purse/boots/whatever) and we’d eaten the meat and put the rattler out to dry (or, whatever you do to a rattlesnake’s rattle to save it for a souvenir) that I realized how beautiful a creature the snake had been.

I discovered that I keep changing the date of my blog to “2010.” Apparently, I am anxious for the new year to be rung in …

Willow D. Kitten keeps attacking the window in my living room looking out onto the back porch, and the window in the door leading out onto the porch. I couldn’t figure out why, so today I sat for a while, biding my time, waiting for it to happen again. As soon as it did, I got up to stand behind him, so I could see what he was seeing. Suddenly, he leapt into the air, trying to grab onto …. MY REFLECTION IN THE GLASS. Dork kitty … apparently, he’s been chasing the kitten in the window this whole time!

Lil Lady spent an hour looking for her cell phone. She went through every room in BFF’s house, retracing her steps, thinking about the places she would have set it down if she had done this, or that, or the other. Eventually she found it: in her pocket. In the jeans she had been wearing ALL DAY LONG.

Gotta love those d’oh moments in life!

Social networking gives us all a medium to share our personal thoughts, worldly ideas, and business ventures. There are plenty of all kinds of people promoting businesses: spammers, selfish self-promoting sycophants, celebrities, small businesses, large businesses, chains …

Then, there are the people who try to make the world a little brighter, a little lighter, a little more special. Sometimes they direct their ideas at the world in large (erase poverty), sometimes to smaller groups of people.

One of my favorites is @SavvyAuntie on Twitter.

We first met because she caught wind of the Baby S ordeal last year, and the small things I tried to do to help my BFF & her family get through the horrible ordeal they were going through. At the time, @SavvyAuntie had not yet started her venture, but it was in the works. I remember when she told me what she had in the works, it brought tears to my eyes.

I think that EVERY person who gives extra love and attention to children deserves a day for themselves, to be smothered with love and adoration and treated to something special. @SavvyAuntie has set up “The first community for cool aunts, great aunts, godmothers, and all women who love kids.”

So, for all of you women who dig the little munchkins in your life … run over and take a look: SavvyAuntie.com.

For all of you men who are wonderful uncles and godfathers and such … keep up the fabulous job, and know that we know you are out there and we admire you greatly.

Last night, I had nightmare after nightmare, and couldn’t seem to sleep properly. Some were re-living things that had happened in my past. Others were nightmares about the impossible.

I woke up feeling cloudy, distressed, and had no idea why. I stumbled out into the still-dark living room, and screamed at the top of my lungs when I saw a coil in the floor, poised and ready to strike. I leapt backwards, screamed out “Aidan! Get this fucking snake out of the house!” and flipped on a light.

When the light filled the room, I realized
A) It is *not* 1994 …
B) The ’snake’ was Willow D. Kitten, curled up in a ball, his tail propped up on the glass he’d obviously been sneaking a drink out of when it fell to the ground.

Despite the fact I was alone, had no audience, and was fairly certain nobody had to know what had just happened, I was blushing beet red and laughing my ass off at the same time.

I wonder if Aidan’s ears were burning? If so, I hope he knows, as much as I love him… I’m gonna kick his everloving ass for entering in my nightmares. Ex-boyfriends are supposed to play nice in dreams, dammit, and we’re only supposed to remember the *good* things.

** Disclaimer: this nightmare of mine is based on a true story, when I *did* nearly step on the little poisonous snake my then-boyfriend Aidan had sworn could *not* get out of the fish tank because he’d stacked a dozen porn magazines on top. Aidan was wrong. I was not a happy camper. The snake immediately found a new home.

** Disclaimer 2: I like snakes, I think they are fascinating and beautiful, and I love holding the really really really big ones … the little ones? They scare the bejeezus outta me.

The last few days I have heard a few things that made me smile. Heard being relative, of course, because once of the conversations happened in IM, another via text … though the third was actually heard.

A few days ago, I had a text convo that went something like this:
Me:  What if you get stalkers? I mean, besides me.
Friend: I can deal with stalkers. I don’t know if I can handle you!
So … does that make me the psycho bitch from the stalker movies? Am I worse than the average stalker? What IS that, exactly? *snickers*

Yesterday, I was conversing with an exbf. We were rather … adventurous … during our time together. We liked to push limits, although not all of them were wild or crazy … some of them were just personal limits. Like, his fear of storms, and my fear of heights. Conquered in one crazy night, together, in the best way possible. I lived in Cali. He visited. There was a nearby mountain with a cliff that overlooked the water and beach below. It was a beautiful spot, one that I could not usually appreciate because I was worried the weight of our car and bodies would cause the cliff to crumble beneath us. Both of us were extremely fit (I was that once upon a time), but together we weighed more than 250 lbs … with the car, significantly more. He was terrified of thunder and lightning. Normally, this would not be an issue in Cali … there were rarely any storms. However, we happened to be going through El Nino. We had amazing storms (which caused significant damage … especially on the cliffs), the beauty of which made me brave enough to battle my fear of heights if he would battle his fear of being struck by lightning. We struck a deal, and made it happen. Apparently, he tried to help his current flame conquer her fear of storms the same way … Once he was done laughing and had stopped her crying, he grabbed the phone and IM’d me immediately.
Exbf: Remember that night … yanno, the conquer our fears night?
Me: Yep. It was a beautiful night. I had scars on my body for a couple of years from lying on that rock face beneath you.
Exbf: Melanie and I tried that tonight. It is a great night, light rain, lightning only in the distance.
Me: Awesome! Did you guys enjoy it as much as we did back then?
Exbf: No. She drove off once I got her to stop crying.
Me: WTF? What’d you do to her, tie her up out there?
Exbf: No. She lost her camera, our picnic basket, and her umbrella when the rock face crumbled.
Me: EPIC FAIL.
Apparently, with her, it backfired. *snort* They chose a not-so-stable cliff. Luckily they were not ON the cliff when the rock face crumbled … but they were close by.

Today, I was on a job with my BFF’s bro/my boss, M. We were doing what we could without having to buy paint b/c we were in the next town over, nowhere near a paint store we like. We were removing broken blinds, and I discovered someone had actually screwed the blinds into the bracket (seriously? SERIOUSLY???), and so we had to use screwdrivers to remove them. He was in another room, cracking jokes at me, and I started giggling so much that I couldn’t keep my hand steady enough to operate the fucking screwdriver.
Me: Quit making me giggle. I cannot screw and giggle at the same time.
M: “Do you realize your job is on the line?” See, there’s a Princess Bride quote for everything.
Me: Screwing and giggling is my new job? Great! I can stop this now!

Last night was so great - Lil K had a blast with Lil Lady and I. As soon as we got home, I set up a tea party for them with hot tea, cheese and crackers, pickles, grapes, and carrots with ranch dressing. The girls put on some music and sat down to have their tea time.

Afterwards, they watched movies and relaxed and played with the kitties. I made spaghetti for dinner, because Lil K requested it, and we dined late in the evening. She did not once ask for either of her parents. I think she enjoyed the peace and quiet, which she doesn’t see very often at home!

C reported that Baby S slept in the bed with her last night, and did not press the nursing issue nearly as hard as we feared she night. She actually slept rather well.

Tonight, I plan to sleep for more than three hours. Wish me luck!

My friend A, who came to stay with me for a few days to get some breathing room, is about to take on some huge changes in her life. She is miserable in her job, and the misery has caused she and her BFF to stop talking to one another. The job also keeps her from her two boys, a lot.

She was offered a job today, and she is fairly certain she wants to take it. If she does, she likely will not get the house she is in the process of trying to buy. That means going back to apartment living, which is something she dreads.

She made me feel incredibly good today, though. I was talking to her about making the choice to be happy with what you are doing in life, even if it isn’t exactly what you WANT or HOPED or PLANNED to be doing. She said to me that she noticed I am happy now, despite the negative circumstances surrounding my life right now. She also told me that she mentioned to her mom that being up here with me made her realize she just needed to simplify things, and that she just needed to focus on spending time with her kids.

I know I feel happier. I know I feel less angry. What I didn’t know is if anyone else could see that change in me … and it thrilled me to know that at least some people do.

I am praying for A, and for things to turn out exactly right for her - even if that “exactly right” was not what she planned and hoped and wanted. She works her ass off and has two brilliant and beautiful boys, and the three of them deserve all the happiness in the world. She’s made so many changes for the positive … she needs to start seeing those changes for what they are: accomplishments.

xoxo